


What a beautiful feeling, to feel nothing at all

by NocturneProductions



Category: Death Note, Death Note & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Character Development, Emotional Manipulation, Kira uses this, Light is empty inside, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Possession, Recovery, Soichiro actually isn't an asshole in this lmao, The whammy's are not the best therapists, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-01
Updated: 2016-12-24
Packaged: 2018-07-28 14:26:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7644499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NocturneProductions/pseuds/NocturneProductions
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Light truly was such a conundrum. At first L thought he was simply a monster disguised as a man, a power hungry tyrant with a god complex. Yet after his confinement his eyes had changed, they were brighter, they were kinder. The teen had to go and ruin everything, by becoming someone he could genuinely call his friend. Kira may have left Light an empty shell, but L knew his first friend was still in there somewhere. Of course, trying to save someone who is constantly trying to kill you is as hard as it sounds.</p><p>But Light used to have so much hope in his eyes, so L is trying to do the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The birth of god

 

“I wanted to write down exactly what I felt but somehow the paper stayed empty, and I could not have described it any better.” -wtm

 

o0o

 

Perfection was a goal that many sought after, no matter how impossible it was. Admittedly, achieving such a task was difficult for Light as well. Of course, it didn't mean he hadn't done it. The six year old could only be described as the “perfect son”. At least, that’s what his daddy always told him. Though Sayu had to disagree with that notion when he refused to play princess with her, much to his parents amusement. That was normal brotherly behavior, he supposed. However, Light was in no way normal.

Ironically, it was _because_ he was so perfect in the first place. The boy never lied, because he never needed to. Light never misbehaved in the first place, why would he? If he did, then he wouldn’t be perfect anymore. The very thought of his mommy or daddy looking down at him with disappointed eyes made his stomach churn uncomfortably. The boy supposed that was what made little sisters so fascinating. Sayu always looked so ashamed when she was caught doing something bad, like when she stole a handful of candy. Her brown eyes would tear up, with her small face scrunching up in shame. Judging from how his sister buried her head in her mother's stomach after being done with her time out, it was genuine.

Of course, that didn't stop Sayu from misbehaving whenever she thought she could get away with it.

Light marveled at the psychology behind it. How could a person continuously do something that brought them shame? It didn't make any sense in the slightest. Perhaps his sister's young mind had not yet gained enough intelligence to stop doing such foolish things. The boy supposed that was true for all children, and even some adults. That was what made him different, _perfect_ . Light had always been his daddy’s “clever boy”, so much smarter than his peers. Honestly, every other kid he had met was just so _stupid_. The brunette could never talk to them without getting bored instantly. The kids got bored of him quickly too, confused when he tried to inform them of what they should know. In the way only children could, when they didn’t understand they got angry. All too often Light had been the target of a squeaky voices yells, because they didn’t know.

 

They didn’t know anything.

 

Sayu was… sweet. He couldn’t deny that he had been a bit disappointed though. When his parents showed his three year old eyes the newborn bundled in pink blankets, he had hoped she would grow up to be as smart as him. Of course, that wasn’t the case. Her intelligence was painfully average, just like everyone else. However as Light looked down at Sayu scribbling chalk on the concrete, a small endeared smile etched itself on his face. His sister was different from the rest of the idiots, because she recognized that he was so smart. She _respected_ him. Sayu didn’t get annoyed when he talked about things her young mind couldn’t hope to understand, she got awestruck. For that reason, Light couldn’t help but respect her a bit too.

The duo sat outside in their front lawn, bathing in the summer sun. It wasn’t their idea, but their mother said that they shouldn’t be locked up in the house. Though Light suspected it was her excuse to get some alone time, as she was curled up comfortably in her chair enjoying a glass of wine. The boy wouldn’t argue with his mother about it, even though he could see right through her facade. Only bad boys argued with their parents. He just wished his mommy had at least given him a proper pencil for his cross words. The sun was nice sure, but a driveway wasn’t exactly the best surface to work on. All he had was a red colored pencil to write with, as well.

Sayu didn’t seem to care in the slightest. She had that boundless enthusiasm that only a three year old could have. She was currently scribbling a yellow blob with her chalk, that could be vaguely interpreted as a sun. Light rose a brow when he saw that she had added a smiley face, how quaint. The boy siped at his water, setting it back down. He turned his eyes back to his puzzle, and supposed it was fine he didn’t have a eraser. After all, it wasn’t like he made mistakes. He _never_ did.

“Onii-chan!” His sister chirped.

Light looked up to see Sayu standing in front of him, bouncing on her heels. “Hmm? What is it?”

“I donno what to draw.” She pouted “Why don’t you draw something?”

He sighed, he knew it wasn’t a question. The boy had been around his little sister long enough to know that when she asked him to do something, she was really saying ‘do what i’ll say or i’ll throw a tantrum’. Light supposed he would humor her. Sayu sat down next to him, looking curiously at her brother’s crosswords.

Her chocolate eyes widened. “Woah, you finished it already? You’re so smart!”

“Thanks.” Light replied.

Of course, it wasn’t like the puzzle was even remotely hard. He wasn’t one to reject compliments though. The boy decided to be nice and do a word Sayu actually knew. His eyes drifted to one, and then to the red colored pencil grasped in his fingers. An idea sparked in Light’s head. His glass of water wasn’t very warm, but it was good enough due to the hot sun. The boy dipped his pencil into the glass, and promptly began to draw on his sister’s face.

She squawked in indignation. “Lighttttt! Stop it!”

“You stop it!” Light huffed. “You said you wanted me to draw, right? I’m only drawing a heart, calm down.”

Sayu crossed her arms with a pout. All in all the process took about half a minute, which was good considering it was probably the length of her attention span. It wasn’t anything extravagant, it was small and simple. Doing anything fancy would just be a waste of time, the girl would probably manage to get it off rather quickly. Despite this, the six year old set down his colored pencil with a sense of accomplishment.

“There.” He grinned. “You look exactly like a… fairy princess.”

“I do? Yay!” Sayu cheered.

Light marveled at the youthful naivety. It was so foreign to him, as he had never actually experienced it himself. Perhaps the boy really was too smart for his own good, but if he wasn’t smart than he wouldn’t be perfect. Yet something inside of him felt envy, how carefree it must be to be ignorant about the world. Lights ears picked up muffled voices coming from afar, and his eyes glanced in the direction they were coming from. To his surprise, it was a pair of neighbors.

They were a female duo, roommates if the boy remembered correctly. It was painfully obvious that they were talking about him and Sayu; they would speak to and fro before glancing at siblings. Judging from their frowns, they certainly didn’t see them in a positive light. A spark of curiosity ignited in his mind. Light wanted to know what sort of stupid excuse the girls had made up to be bitter over a couple of _kids_ . There was no way he was going to let a couple of idiots ruin _his_ reputation.

“Oh! I know what to draw!” His sister exclaimed. “I will make a kingdom, there'll be a castle. There's gonna be a princess and a unicorn, and everything else…”

The boy hummed, not really listening. “Alright, have fun with that. I'm going to check something out real quick, so stay here okay?”

“Okay…”

Light set down his things, and stood up. Luckily the fence around his house was mostly solid concrete, with a small metal fence on top. It was at times like these that he was happy he was a bit small for his age. The boy stretched, before loudly and obviously going to his front door. He glanced at the corner of his eye to make sure the neighbors were watching. Light smirked in satisfaction when they looked away. The six year old crouched down, sneaking over to the side of the fence. He crawled towards the roommates until they were only a few feet away. The concrete kept the boy safe from their prying eyes. He concentrated intently on their words.

The younger looking woman with a bobbed haircut, huffed in disgust. “Honestly, Yagami-san’s son looks nothing like her. Just look at his hair!”

The other one hummed in agreement. “I heard from the others that his name was Light or something. You know, I don't think it’s a coincidence Aiya.”

“Really? Do you think…”

“I mean it makes sense, her husband is _never_ home. She probably hooked up with some guy at a bar.” She sneered.

Aiya shook her head. “To think there'd be someone like that in our neighborhood!”

Her friend snickered. “Yeah, what a whore!”

Light was no longer crouched, instead he sat numbly. The world seemed to fade around him, their laughter merely echoes. The boy's breathing swallowed, he knew the implications. He knew what it meant to cheat on your spouse. Light’s fingers subconsciously curled themselves in his hair. It was true, everyone in his family had dark chocolate brown locks. Everyone except him. The six year old’s hair was a light caramel, so different from his parents. He had never even thought about it before, just assuming it was another thing that made him special. Now, thinking about it made his eyes sting. It made sense, and that’s what hurt the most. Was it true? Did mommy really cheat?

Was Light not really his daddy’s son?

He was filled with a rotting disgust at himself. To think he was a product of- No. No he had to hear the words come from his mommy’s mouth. The boy knew he would never be at peace until he did. Light wouldn’t be satisfied with just his internal conformation, but he knew he couldn’t ask her directly. It was the same with all adults, they always lied. It was because he was “too young”; they always treated him like he knew nothing. It was frustrating, because he could _handle it_. Yet the boy knew that his mother would lie and say “Of course not!”; because that was what they all did. They couldn’t bear to tell their children the truth.

Light had a way around this, of course. It wasn’t too hard to eavesdrop on people, as the neighbors were totally oblivious. He just had to be patient, and wait for the opportunity. There was no doubt that mommy had heard the rumors. Perhaps that was the reason why she was trying to get rid of her stress. Daddy was the only one she could go to let off steam, he just had to wait for them to talk. Easier said than done, his daddy was taking on a tough case right now. Who knew when he would be home? Well people hate a quitter, and he was nothing short of vigilant.

Filled with a determined resolve, Light went back inside.

 

o0o

 

The boy laid uncomfortably in his bed, restless. Daddy hadn’t been able to come home for dinner. Of course, it wasn’t too surprising.  It wasn’t the first tough case he had tackled, but it was okay. Daddy was a big strong police officer and he would bring justice to all the bad guys, because good always won. Because he always came back home. Even so, dinner had been quiet despite Sayu’s ramblings. Perhaps it was just him. It was so awkward to sit near his mother now, knowing that she…

Light groaned and rolled over, trying to purge the emotions from his head. This was all such a nightmare! The six year old sat up, glancing at his alarm clock. It showed the time: eight fifteen, in bright green letters. His bedtime was always eight o'clock, while his sister always had to be in bed by seven thirty. There was a good chance that his mommy thought he was asleep by now, so now was the best time to start. The boy got off his bed, his bare feet hitting the carpet. Light padded over to his bedroom door, and pressed himself against it. He made sure to listen intently, focusing on the noises coming from downstairs.

The boy waited as patiently as he could, shifting between one foot to the next. Anticipation filled him when he heard the unmistakable sound of the phone ringing. Light almost jumped in anxiousness when he could faintly hear his daddy’s name leave his mommy’s mouth. Quietly and slowly, he opened his bedroom door. The six year old crept to the stairwell, sitting in wait. He needed to hear the truth from his mommy. He needed…

Sachiko sighed. “I know Soichiro, I know. It’s just frustrating. To think the neighbors would think up such horrible rumors about our special little boy!”

The woman paused, tiredly listening to her husband’s response. Light seemed frozen in his spot, why was mommy talking like that? Almost as if he really was the chief of police’s son. He didn’t understand.

“What if he hears what they’ve been thinking? He’s so young! He doesn't need to be confused by their stupidity!” She said, before nodding to Soichiro words on the other end of the line. “Yes! It’s like these people haven't gone to school. Light brown hair and eyes is just recessive! I can’t believe they automatically thought that I was cheating! He’s just rare! Our special and rare little Light…”

The six year old was stunned. His heart thudded behind his ribcage, like a fluttering bird. He tried to process what he had heard. Was his mommy lying? No, he could tell from the way she spoke that she wasn’t. It wouldn’t make sense if she didn’t know, Sachiko sounded so sure of it. There was such a truthful tone in her voice when she said that she hadn’t cheated. So Light wasn’t the product of adultery? The boy should have been happy with that fact, yet a coil of despair choked him.

 

He had… been wrong?

 

That realization plagued him as he crept limply to his room. Light shut the door behind him, leaning against it in disbelief. _He had been wrong_ . That had _never_ happened before, it couldn’t have. He was supposed to be mommy and daddy’s clever boy, he couldn’t make mistakes! It wasn’t allowed, he was supposed to be _better_ than that. To think, he had thought his mother was capable of going so low! Shame flooded him so intensely, like nothing he had felt before. Light slid down to the floor from the sheer weight of it, and shivered. Was this what Sayu always felt? The boy wrapped his arms around his knees, hiding his face.

He hated this feeling! Light was never supposed to be wrong, he was the golden child. He was _perfect,_ he was smart. But… how could he say that now? The boy knew that once you did something stupid, you could never truthfully say you were perfect again. Because once you tarnished it, there would always be the potential that you would do it again. His parents always said he was their clever little boy, but now that wasn’t true. They loved him because he was smart, right? Now that he wasn’t…

They would hate him.

Light knew that they couldn’t know about his traitorous suspicions, it was impossible. But they would see the aftermath, they would be able to tell that their clever boy wasn’t so clever anymore. The boy shuddered again, he couldn’t stand the thought. How could he have messed up? It couldn’t be his fault! It couldn’t be… Light lifted his head up. Maybe… maybe if he put those wrong thoughts somewhere… Then he wouldn’t _really_ have thought those things, right?

But how could he make them go away? It wasn’t like the boy could simply store them in a box. He gazed into the shadows that clung on his bedroom walls, that lurked in his closet. Would they work? The idea went as soon as it came, of course It wouldn’t! It was too simple, it would just be hiding them. Those wrong thoughts would still be there, just harder to grasp. Besides, although logically he knew that nothing lurked inside the darkness, there was still a part of him that found them so scary.

Then his caramel eyes landed on his mirror. Light’s eyes bore into the pane of glass, and an idea sparked in his head. The six year old got up from his protective pose and scampered over to it. His young mind worked rapidly, his imagination springing to life. This would be perfect! Besides, Sayu already had an imaginary friend. The boy assured himself that this was perfectly normal, a lot of kids his age had them. Funny, Light had never even considered his reflection to be anything more. Yet now as the child looked into the glass, another boy stared back.

The brunette’s eyes widened in a marveled curiosity. The one he was looking at was certainly his mirror reflection, that hadn’t changed in the slightest. The boy had his light brown hair, had the same boyish face. It was him and yet _not_ him at the same time, the aura that hung around his twin felt so foreign. Despite this strange situation, stubborn politeness that refused to leave his instincts made itself known. Light waved in a friendly manner, silently saying hello. The boy did the same, perfectly mirroring his movements.

The six year old looked away, frowning. Although no words were yet spoken, the boy in the mirror seemed to realize something was wrong. Light could almost feel the concern radiating off of his new friend. He looked back, his hand brushed against the glass. As always, the boy did the same. The brunette felt a flash of pity for his reflection, yet deep inside he felt that somehow the boy understood. After all, his image didn’t have an expectation to uphold. Smudges could always be wiped away.

“You…” Light’s voice came out in a whisper, laced with a mixture of disappointment and sadness. “You did something really bad…”

For the first time, the boy in the mirror moved on his own. It was subtle yes, but still there. His reflection’s lip began to tremble, eyes scrunching up in anguish. The brunette could hear whimpers and sniffles coming from the other side of the glass, and sighed sadly. Light pressed his head against it, trying to offer some sort of comfort. Despite this, the six year old felt quite pleased with himself. It really was so much easier to support someone, than to deal with those feelings yourself.

The boy would have felt guilt, but what would be the point? It wasn’t like his reflection was real. Still, there was a sort of serenity from being with his twin. He was a special little secret that no one else would know. Thanks to him, nothing had changed. A satisfied smile grew across Light’s face. Yes, absolutly nothing had been tarnished. Just as always, he was _perfect_.

 

o0o

 

That memory seemed so distant now. He had been so naive then, so young. When he was a boy, he had still been learning so much about the world around him. Light supposed he was always too smart for his own good. The eighteen year old had been worried when L had become frozen from shock, holding that notebook. He wanted to see the shinigami for himself. Just as quickly as he had grabbed it, the world faded away. Now all semblance of reality was blocked out by an agonizing pain.

Light screamed from the torture. It felt as though his throat would tear from the sheer volume of his cry. Memories that had been erased sprung back to life, forcing themselves back into his brain. It felt as though his skull was being ripped in half, his eyes were wide and glazed over. Light’s stomach curled violently, and it took everything in his power not to vomit. Tears were trapped in his eyes, unable to spill. His head was filled with an angry static, only one thought managed to escape the furious buzzing.

 

What… what had he _done?_

 

The feeling of horror faded quickly. The teen couldn’t afford to feel guilt, let alone grief. What he was doing… was for the greater good. It was justice! Light’s breathing swallowed out, coming in slightly gasping breaths. This, this was why he was too smart for his own good. He could see just how horrible criminals truly were, they had to be eliminated. Disposing of them was a mercy, really. That was why he couldn’t hesitate, why he couldn’t ever doubt himself. The brunette relaxed with a sigh when he felt all too familiar arms wrap around him, he always made it so easy to understand. He always reminded him why he had to do this, why he couldn't stop. Light could feel him smiling, he had memorised it in his mind. Alluring, yet in no doubt showed a dangerous edge that was full of power.

 _Hello Light, It’s so nice to see you again. I missed you._ Kira murmured.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kira is going to be one creepy mother fucker. Hope you like it so far, things will be getting more interesting in the next chapter.


	2. The greater good.

L had always known Light was Kira. It had been a feeling in the detective’s gut, and his gut was never wrong. Something about the teen had just rubbed him the wrong way, something that no one else seemed to notice. It was at times like these that he was even more grateful to have such a brilliant mind. To everyone Light was simply the perfect son, and that was the problem. He was _too_ perfect. Everything about the brunette seemed to scream it, from him being a genius, to his unrelenting politeness.

Even his appearance had been flawless, nicely cut hair, smooth skin. Light had acted so normal that it was almost disturbing. The teen had no little quirks, no little misbehaviors, _nothing_ . Even his smile had been perfect, a small curve of the lips. There was no teeth, no lopsided grin. It was all so _fake_ , L didn’t know how the rest couldn’t see it. It was like Light was some sort of doll, like he wasn’t even human. When the brunette offered to enter solitary confinement, the detective knew he was planning something.

What he didn’t expect was for Light to _change_.

Of course, the task force didn’t notice a thing. Yet to the insomniac, it was as different as night was from day. The Kira suspect's eyes were so different than what they were before. They seemed so much brighter, like glittering pools of honey. His eyes were filled with an almost child-like determination, and it was then L realized how much it contrasted from just the day before. Light’s eyes used to emit such an intensity, it captured everyone in its glare and _dominated_. Now? That wasn’t nearly the case. The teen’s eyes were so warm, and dare he say it, kind.

Infact, everything about him seemed softer now. The very air around him seemed more welcoming, and L had no idea why. It was odd, but Light seemed more skilled in his lies of perfection. The brunette the detective used to know _appeared_ perfect, yes. However the Kira suspect seemed almost… stiff. It was like he was resisting the urge to snap at them of his superiority. The new Light appeared more natural in his role, like he had years of practice. L supposed he did, in a way. Of course, he was still pretty arrogant. But it hadn’t been that suffocating force that was almost mocking everyone around it.

This personality change was so drastic that the detective rushed to come up with theories to explain it. Was Kira’s power something that went from person to person? Had the killer _possessed_ the teen? It wasn’t just Light that had changed either, Misa’s personality had shifted as well. L knew that the brunette had noticed too, he must have. The detective could see it in the slightly confused looks the brunette would give her. Even though he had admitted that the relationship with her was completely one sided, the teen had refused to manipulate her. It was like Light was a completely different person.

Kira wouldn’t work so hard to catch himself, he wouldn’t encourage L to try harder. The murderer of thousands wouldn’t be concerned for the detective’s health, from all the sweets he ate. When they would fight, the brunette would apologize profusely afterwards. It was strange to L, because he could tell it was genuine. When the black haired man had called Light his friend, it hadn’t been true. Not really. It was more of a wish, something that he wanted deeply but could never happen. Yet this new version of the teen was so passionate like his father, so _likable_.

The detective’s fabrication had become the truth. He had bonds with other people, yes. Yet none were quite like the one he had with Light. The duo always seemed to accept each other’s quirks, aiding and influencing one another without fear. Together, they had caught Kira, one of them at least. No matter how much the brunette denied it, L couldn’t shake his gut feeling of the teen’s guilt. He had to be Kira, who else _could_ it be? Who else could match him in intelligence? The detective’s heart leaped out of his chest when the death note he had held in his hands was gone. L knew something was wrong when Light screamed, because it wasn’t in fear. _It was in utter agony_. The man looked over slowly, hoping to see those familiar kind honey eyes.

“Are you alright? I know seeing that monster would be frightening for anyone.” The detective asked.

The brunette was calm, _too_ calm. It was that unnerving perfection that L had not seen in months, and his breath caught in his throat.

 

_No… please no…_

 

For a brief moment, Light turned his head slightly to look at the detective. It was his eyes, but not at the same time. There was no kindness to be found, no joyful glint. Instead the teen’s eyes shimmered with a cruel smugness, hidden behind a curtain of fake politeness. Those bright caramel orbs were stained with a subtle crimson, darkened. Words left Light mouth, but none of it mattered. It was all laced with dishonesty.

In that short moment, L knew his first friend was dead.

 

o0o

 

Rem looked at the task force with a soloum expression. The shinigami knew she was looking at dead men, the only question was when Light yagami would get rid of them. She grimaced at the very thought of that cruel human. What Misa saw in the first Kira, she would never know. While it was true that he had killed her parents murderer, it hadn't been a conscious effort to avenge her. It was just another name written in the death note, meaningless. And Rem knew it was the first and last kind thing Light had ever done for her. Nevertheless, the first Kira one of the only things that brought her happiness. Now if only she could convince Misa she was better off without him…

The albino god of death glared at the brunette, the object of her hatred. Her golden eyes trailed up to his life span, wanting to relish in the knowledge of the short years until he met his demise. Rem had to stop herself from gasping from what she saw. When she had saw Light in the helicopter, his lifespan looked completely normal. However, this was the first good look she had gotten since then. When the shinigami had quickly glanced at it in the hallways of the building, she had thought that it’s oddity had simply been the normal distortion of the letters. But now that she observed it properly…

Light’s name above his lifespan was _flickering_.

Rem had never seen anything like it, never in all her life. She stared at it in shock, what did it mean? The only thing that was even supposed to change about lifespans was it’s visibility if a human was a death note owner; no shinigami had even mentioned anything about the _name_ being affected. Yet it rapidly disappeared and reappeared again, as if it couldn’t decide what it wanted to be. The shinigami narrowed her eyes trying to focus on it better, she could see something else for a split second. Rem wanted to groan in frustration. She could see a different name flicker briefly along with Light’s own. Yet it always disappeared right before she could read it, but the god of death could tell that it was shorter than his true name. Was… Was it…?

“What’s going on?!” Soichiro yagami shouted, snapping the god of death out of her train of thought. “I heard criminals are being killed again!”

Aizawa sighed, rubbing his nose. “There were 16 deaths just yesterday; all of them were broadcast after Higuchi’s death.”

The taskforce talked to and fro to each other, but Rem didn’t listen, too lost in her fear. She couldn’t believe what was happening, it had to be Misa. It had to be! The shinigami could tell the detectives were realizing it too, and panic grew in her chest. If her heart beat, the god of death was certain it would be slamming against her ribcage. What was Light thinking, making Misa kill again?! L already suspected that she was the second Kira, there was no doubt he would catch her now. Once that happened, he would also be-

 _So that’s what your plan is, you are truly_ **_disgusting_ ** _._ Rem thought, fury enveloping her. _Light is certain that I would do anything to help Misa and save her life, and at this point the only way for me to save Misa is to write Ryuzaki’s real name in my notebook. If I kill Ryuzaki, it would mean that I deliberately lengthened Misa’s life, and I will die as well. Light has planned everything so that it would work out in his favor._

What else could the shinigami do other than go along with his plan? She knew very well that this was another one of his manipulations, all this was to him was killing two birds with one stone. Not only would the first Kira’s main opponent be taken care of, Rem would be nothing but ashes as well. It was the only way that Misa would live, she didn’t have a choice. The god of death wanted to tear Light yagami apart, and she almost growled when she saw those crimson eyes glance back at her. It was like he was mocking her, knowing that there was nothing she could do. Once Rem was gone, Misa would be all alone…

 

Alone with _him_.

 

The thought made the albino shinigami reel back in horror. It was then that she remembered so vividly the first meeting she had with Kira. Light wasn’t just annoyed by Misa, he _despised_ her. She supposed the hatred was spawned when the blond had killed the reporters, there was a conflicting of ideals. Rem wasn’t blind, she could see how the first Kira had looked at her like she was grime at the bottom of his shoe. The god of death seethed at the hypocrisy, hadn’t he killed Lind L. Tailor?

The shinigami could have understood annoyance, she was well aware of Misa’s flamboyance. The model had never been quite the same after her parents murder; Rem and Gelus had looked on at that sad sight in the shinigami realm. A once bright and cheerful girl had turned much more… unstable. This had been only worsened by her stalker attempting to murder her. Kira had become Misa’s hero, her one source of happiness. The god of death could understand being disturbed by her obsession, in fact it would be strange if Light _wasn’t_ creeped out. Rem knew why she was like this, and it made her sympathise with the blond even more. Misa _loved_ Kira for avenging her parents, she didn’t want him to leave her alone too. To see the teen using that against her like that… It was so disgusting.

Not only that, but when Light saw that the second Kira wasn’t going to perfectly obey him; he threatened to kill her. The shinigami could tell that mindset hadn’t changed in the slightest. The brunette had only backed down, when she revealed that she would kill him if he did anything to her. Kira only found use in Misa because of the eyes, and that was only to kill L lawliet. Light was so intelligent that he found very little use in them. Horror and fear filled Rem at the implications, nothing would be protecting her. Not only would the shinigami be gone, but the one man that would suspect him would be dead as well. It would be ridiculously easy for the first Kira to kill her, a few words and he could make it look like a complete accident. Alcohol poisoning, suicide… She was…

 

_She was the only thing stopping Light from killing Misa._

 

Rem began to panic, what could she do?! If she went along with the plan, Kira would kill them both. If she didn’t, she would be convicted as the second Kira and executed. Could the shinigami kill him? No, even though she has never wanted to kill a person more in her life. Misa would still be executed, Light’s death would only make her more miserable. Even on the off chance that the model was cleared of suspicion, Rem couldn’t stand the thought of being hated by her. However, when the shinigami listened to the task force now… They seemed resigned to it, even L didn’t seem to wish Misa dead. The death sentence seemed to be a simply expected measure from the government. If the detectives truly weren’t passionate about executing misa, perhaps they could negotiate.

The second Kira’s life in exchange for the first’s seemed like a reasonable deal.

 

o0o

 

Everything was going according to plan.

 

The brunette leaned back in satisfaction, letting his back relax against his desk chair. It had been _so long_ since he had control of their body. Kira had never truly left of course, after Light lost his memories he still lurked in the back of his mind. Revealing himself would have only created more problems, so all those months he had stayed silent. Occasionally when the eighteen year old had glanced at a mirror, his twin would smile at him knowingly. It was cute how the brunette would snap his head away, assuring himself that he hadn’t seen anything. He never could truly deal with his problems, that was why he gave _him_ control.

Light truly was such a naive boy, wasn’t he? To think, the young man had been so determined to catch _himself!_ No matter how much he denied it, Kira knew he agreed with his justice. The god of the new world could hear the brunettes musings that were hidden from the outside world, thoughts their foolish father would call blasphemy. Deep inside, Light had agreed with Kira. The teen had assured himself that the killer’s methods were too barbaric, as a way to justify himself. He was simply too young and innocent to truly accept the methods that had to be taken, when he has lost his memories. It was quite tragic, really. However, when he had gotten them back Light had gladly accepted his role. Now, the young genius was resting in the back of their mind. Kira couldn’t blame him, spending all that time without his guidance? Anyone would need to relax after that.

“Everything will be coming together soon.” The vigilante murmured to his twin.

Light tilted his head slightly, the only sign he had heard what he had said. It was the silent acceptance the brunette always had, but that was fine. It was more than enough. Soon, all of their obstacles would be eliminated. The killer grimaced in disgust as the thought of L. To think, his double had considered the detective a friend! Well, after the disgusting detective was gone; the meddling shinigami would perish as well. It _was_ a shame the world would lose such a brilliant mind, however sacrifices had to be made for the greater good. That train of thought led Kira to little Misa Amane.

Oh, Misa, Misa, whatever would he do with her? She had been quite a useful tool, he had to admit. The model’s shinigami eyes had been extremely helpful, and thanks to her L would finally die. However, that didn’t change the fact that the blond had tarnished his name. She had murdered innocent reporters, simply for disagreeing. That was a sin that could _not_ be forgiven. So once Rem was finally out of the picture, Kira would put his fake to justice. Misa would understand, he was sure. Although she had undeniably done evil, she wanted the world to be a better place. Just like he did. So the model would know and accept why her death was necessary. They all would come to understand that Kira was _justice_.

Though now that the killer thought about it, a bit of worry surfaced. The taskforce could be so reckless, especially Matsuda. Although the fake rules were protecting it from being destroyed, his father had nearly burnt it anyway. That was what concerned him, what if a member of the taskforce decided to destroy the notebook despite thinking they would be killed as a result? It was unlikely, to be honest. None of them were nearly as passionate about justice like Kira was. However, what if there came a situation where the death note was destroyed? Once Light lost his memories, it would be all over. The genius’s mind ran through different possibilities to solve his current problem, and one of them in particular stood out.

If a situation came where he lost ownership, if he was in contact with a piece of the notebook he wouldn’t lose his memories. The brunette hummed in displeasure, he couldn’t just constantly carry a scrap wherever he went! Then, a wonderful idea filled his brilliant mind. Kira smiled in satisfaction, he was sure he had a switchblade around here somewhere… Light had always been quite paranoid about criminals, so he had kept one as a small line of defense. The killer sifted through the cupboards of his desk, he was certain he had kept it… there! His hands grasped around the small knife gleefully, pulling it out of it’s hiding place. Kira’s fingers slid across its smooth surface, and he carefully removed the piece of the death note from his watch’s hidden compartment.

The palm of his left hand was a good location, he could always say he cut it on a piece of glass.

The killer carefully and meticulously cut into his skin, and watched in a morbid fascination at the crimson blood that seeped out. It reminded him of how he had looked in Light’s mind, so much more superior to his duplicate. Flawless _perfect_ marble skin, a gorgeous milky white. He hummed in slight longing for his old hair, missing how it was beautiful bright red. Kira was so much more vibrant than his counterpart. In fact, _he was everything the brunette should be_. He was not at all shocked when he felt no stinging sensation, after all; gods don't feel pain. The killer slid his blade under the cut, carefully peeling the skin from the muscle. Blood was dripping off his hand now, landing on his desk. He frowned when the hand that held the knife began to slightly shake, and heard whimpers emerge from the back of his mind.

Kira turned to look at Light, and hummed in annoyance. The teen was trembling violently, curled in on himself. His face was paler than usual, and he looked about ready to vomit. He was grimacing, staring intently at the floor. The brunettes fingers were digging into his knees harshly, turning his knuckles white. The killer took in the source of the whines and sniffles, and sighed. He almost didn’t remember that, honestly his twin could be so pathetic sometimes.

“Oh, I almost forgot. You still feel everything even though I’m the one in control, don't you?” Kira said.

As always, Light didn’t answer back. The self proclaimed god went to the brunette, looking down at him in distain. Now that he had a closer look, he could clearly see tear tracks running down those cheeks. The killer huffed tiredly, like a guardian looking after their charge.

“I understand it hurts, but don’t cry.” He said. “Can’t you see how selfish you’re being? Imagine what all the victim’s families are going through. That’s why we’re doing this, remember? We must to create a new, better world.”

Light just continued to stare silently at the floor, but Kira could feel his unabated agreement. The killer patted his head in an affectionate satisfaction, he understood. Really, he did. There was a _reason_ the brunette created him, after all. Very few people could even come close to their god’s prowess, it was only natural his twin would be weaker. Now, back to his goal. Kira grimaced at the loss of blood, but carried on. Gently, he slid the scrap of death note paper under his skin until it disappeared under the flesh. He could feel it scraping against the bloody walls, his body seemingly trying to reject the foreign object. The killer leaned back, now, they would never forget. He could hear Light breathing heavily, recovering from the agony he just went through. He had to admire the teen for that, at the very least. No matter how much pain he went through, he never even attempted to stop them from doing what was necessary. Kira smirked slightly at the thought.

  
_Just the way it should be_.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for the Kudos! This chapter was quite fun to write! 
> 
> I wrote this because the kira is a different personality theory was quite the interesting one. However in many fics that used it, i found myself dissatisfied with the over simplification of Kira and Light's relationship. Kira is always pure evil, and Light was pure good. I wanted to do something different for this, because one of the things I love about Light is that he's a morally grey character. Someone who is so desperate to not accept mistakes that he takes extreme measures. I wanted to keep that theme here, so Kira will of course be the creepy murderous sociopath we all know and love. 
> 
> But I want to make a large part of the whole situation Light's fault, and his fault alone.
> 
> Hope you like it so far!


	3. Trapped in the spider's web

 

This was not the way L had expected things to go.

 

When the shinigami approached the task force out of the blue, the detective had naturally been suspicious. Why had it made sure to speak to them while Light was gone? A change of plans? Yet now as he held the death note in his pale hands, he was almost out of breath. L had known there had to be another notebook, if the second Kira was any indication. But he _never_ expected to have it just, _handed_ to him. The detective looked up at Rem; the members of the taskforce were frozen in their spots. They must have been just as shell shocked as he was. His charcoal eyes bore into the pages, and he almost wondered if he was just seeing a hallucination.

“That’s…” Soichiro’s voice was thick, laced in pain. “That’s Light’s handwriting…”

The man had always been the most defencive of the brunette, and that was to be expected. He _was_ the teen’s father after all, so it wasn’t surprising if he didn’t want to believe the his son was Kira. But he was also the one who would know Light’s writing the most, because it was the same writing that would be playfully written on notes when the brunette sent him a fresh pair of clothes. L knew that handwriting, too. The teen had been scribbling something, doing so when he thought the detective wasn’t looking. Nothing escaped from his charcoal eyes, so he snatched it before Light could protest. What he saw was surprising, it wasn’t notes of the case that the brunette tried to keep secret. It was something so mundane, so _normal_ and yet so foreign at the same time. It was a birthday card.

L could hardly believe it, so he demanded to know what was going on. The detective could remember how Light’s normally calm expression had morphed into a blush, and dare he say it, turned a bit bashful. The young man chained to him had been informed of the date of his birthday a few weeks earlier, but he never believed anything would come of it. Yet there he was, holding a halloween-themed card, decorated with pictures of pumpkin pies. It was marked with Light’s neat and slightly cursive handwriting. That same handwriting that displayed the names of hundreds of his victims.

 

_Happy birthday! I’m sure we can catch Kira, you’re the world’s top three greatest detectives after all! So don’t let this case get you, I worry about you sometimes. Don’t lose motivation, okay?_

 

L felt slightly nauseous at the thought, and bit his lip. No, no he couldn’t think about that now. The detective couldn’t let his emotions get the best of him, that would be foolish. When he had declared his friendship to the kira suspect, the brunette had been paused. It was subtle, but quickly accompanied by a reply laced with dishonesty. A part of L just wanted to march up to Light, and shake him. Just to ask the brunette if anything he had said to the man had been true, was there anything he had said that wasn’t just a _lie?_ The detective let out a breath, right now he wasn’t his friend. Light wasn’t the optimistic boy that he had been chained with for months, he was just a criminal. A murderer to be captured and executed.

“I know there must be at least another notebook.” L’s voice somehow managed to hide the turmoil he was feeling. “Are there any others?”

“Not as I’m aware, no. There was only two dropped in the human world, the one I gave Misa, and Ryuk’s which was stumbled upon by Light Yagami.” Rem replied.

Mogi let out a breath. “So there’s no question of who the first Kira, then.”

Ah yes that reminded him… The black-haired man’s charcoal eyes glanced over to the lurking figure in the corner, and nearly shuddered. ‘Ryuk’ was quite the thing to behold, and such a stark contrast to his albino counterpart. It was almost completely pitch black, with the only exception being it’s dead grey skin. It’s hands had long and sharp claws, and L couldn’t tell if they were part of it’s clothing or if they were simply ebony. A permanent smile was carved into its grotesque face, raspy chuckles emerging from it. The worst thing about it though, was it’s eyes. They were bulging yellow spheres, with the only exception being it’s blood red irises. Those eyes held such a dangerous glint in them, it reminded L of so much of B. The detective grimaced, Rem was in no way a calming presence, but she was so much better than that terrifying creature.

“I have to admit Rem,” The god of death said. “I don’t appreciate you taking away my entertainment.”

“You’ve meddled far too much in the human world.” Rem replied, with a hiss.

L felt bewildered. “But _why?_ Why work so hard to get rid of Kira? I wouldn’t of thought that Shinigami had a moral compass.”

“I don’t.” The albino admitted. “I never cared about the human’s perception of justice, all I care about is Misa.”

“So why reveal her like this?” The detective asked, utterly perplexed.

“Light Yagami. He planned all of this, he made Misa kill again so you would suspect her. Once you tested the fake rules, I would be forced to kill you. Saving Misa’s life, but taking my own.”

The god of death shifted a bit, looking uncomfortable. L bit his thumb in thought, he would never admit it but he was a bit disturbed. To have the plans leading to his death laid out in front of him… It made the hair on the back of his neck stand up, because it would have _worked_. If Rem hadn’t approached them like this, his life would’ve ended with a heart attack. The detective vaguely wondered if his life would’ve ended with Light looming over him, silently declaring his victory. L snapped himself out of that thought, he was sure both shinigami didn’t care at all about his life. The albino’s death clearly had a large role to play with this.

“I was fine with with my life ending.” She admitted, much to his shock. “I wasn’t thrilled with the prospect, but I am willing to do whatever it takes to keep Misa safe. However, Light Yagami has threatened to end her life since the very beginning. He despises her, a large reason being the lengths she went through to find him. If I were to die, there would be nothing protecting her from him. Nothing would be nothing preventing him from killing Misa, nor would there be anything stopping Light from killing the rest of _you_.”

So that had been what Light was planning? The detective clenched his knees, all along this was a plan to get rid of the young model? He knew the first Kira getting rid of his memories had been part of something bigger, but it left a sour taste in his mouth thinking about how this was all just part of the _plan_. It made the man all the more relieved that Rem ruined it, by revealing it all. L jumped a bit when a fist suddenly slammed down on the table. The platters on top to vibrate against it, clanking against the wooden surface. Aizawa was visibly shaking, trembling in rage.

“That son of a bitch!” The man growled.

The detective tried to stop his voice from trembling. “Aizawa, please control yourself. We can’t afford to get consumed by our emotions.”

He breathed heavily, trying to calm down. Aizawa shuddered, clenching his teeth. He settled with sitting down next to Ide, rubbing his temples. L couldn’t blame him, finding out someone you were working with had been planning your demise was bound to make anyone snap. It hurt the detective too, but he wouldn’t let anyone see that. He had known that Light must be Kira for so long, but hearing it out loud felt so different. L should have been internally rejoicing, he had beaten the most dangerous criminal he had ever face. He should have been internally rejoicing, finally, he had won!

 

So why did it feel like he had lost?

 

“N-No!” Matsuda suddenly blurted out, causing everyone to look at him in surprise. “Light… would n-never do that! And sure, things aren’t looking good for him right now but…”

His eyes seemed suspiciously damp. “The Light I know would _never_ kill people!”

“‘The Light you know’ is not the real Light.” L practically hissed it, before his shoulders hunched slightly in defeat. “I don’t think anyone knows who the real Light is.”

 

o0o

 

Kira’s footsteps echoed in the empty and quiet hall. Plans unfolded in his mind, and he walked silently, lost in his thoughts. L would be testing the fake thirteen day rule soon, within the next couple days no doubt. Once that happened, both Rem and L would finally be gone. There would be nothing standing in his way, and purification could finally resume. Taking over as the new L wouldn’t be considered suspicious. To the task force, he would just be “avenging his dear friend”. Leading them in a circle would be child’s play, although he would have to get rid of them eventually.

How would he deal with Soichiro? It wasn’t as if Kira could kill him in cold blood, that wasn’t in his principles. Besides, even though the man was incredibly foolish for fighting against him, he was the still his father. Who would go so low as to kill a member of their family? Besides, the chief of police had always been the most loyal. Kira would be able to turn him to his side eventually, right? Well, L’s life would end very soon, so he would have much more time to plan later. The young god paused at the metal door that led into the main area of headquarters, and leaned in to have his eye scanned. Honestly, the amount of security this place had was ridiculous.

He stepped into the large room, the door slamming shut behind him. What Kira saw made his stomach curl unpleasantly. There wasn’t a single member of the taskforce there; the room was completely empty. An uneasy silence weighed down the space, the only noise that filled the emptiness was the gentle hum of the computers. He looked around, eyes scanning the area for any indication of the Task Force's location. This didn’t make any sense, why would they not be there? Kira stepped deeper into the room, with a bit of hesitation. What the hell was going on?

He called out into the silence. “Ryuzaki?”

The detective made himself known to the self proclaimed god, and opened a door that was nestled on the side of the room. The door that led to the bedroom L and Light had stayed in, Kira realized. The man stepped out of the doorway, hunched over like usual. His charcoal eyes bore into him, and he was nearly put off guard by the sheer intensity of it. He could tell that the detective was agitated, he was subtly glaring at the killer. L’s whole posture seemed more stiff, and Kira couldn’t help but feel a bit smug. The man probably knew of his imminent demise, and he couldn’t even do anything to stop it.

“I am here, Light.” The black haired man answered.

“I can see that,” Kira replied, pausing. “but where is the rest of the Taskforce?”

L turned away from him. “We were discussing something, namely, how to move forward from here.”

“That required going into a different room?” The young man rose a brow, and stepped closer. “Did something happen?”

“You could say that.”

His curiosity was peaked at the detective’s behavior,  he was acting even more odd and vague than usual. Kira couldn't deny that a part of him would miss his greatest obstacle. It would be boring without L, that wasn’t hard to admit. It would be too easy when the eccentric man was gone, and that was something that the young man was not looking forward to. However, there was no way that he could stop, even if he wanted to. They were much too far into the game, stopping L’s death now would be a death sentence. Kira would never _want_ to stop, anyway. That would be so selfish, to stop in his cleansing when the world needed him so much… Besides the god of the new world could never sink so low as to keep his enemy as some sort of… _pet._

“Light, I have a question for you.” The detective said.

He paused at the tone of voice the insomniac used. It was the same monotone L always had, but there was an edge to it. It sounded hostile, there was a sharp accusation in those words. There was also something mixed in that Kira couldn’t pinpoint, no matter how much he tried to grasp it. The young man gazed at his nemesis with a questioning stare.  

“Alright,” He replied. “What is it?”

L’s eyes tightened in… defeat? “Was there ever a single moment, where you even felt a speck of guilt?”

“What?” Kira said in surprise.

“Did you ever even hesitate, did you ever even ask yourself if you were doing the right thing?”

“Ryuzaki, where is this coming from?”

They both knew the answer didn’t they? A part of the young man wanted to just gloat at the detective, to rub in his face that he had lost the game. No, he had to hold back. It would be incredibly foolish to confess with the dozens of camera in the room. However, when the end came he would give L the luxury of knowing the truth. There was also a question that clung inside Kira’s head, why was the detective being so open like this? Was it because he knew that he was going to die soon, and had nothing to lose? Still, it wasn’t like him to act so hostile. Even when he had first accused Kira, it hadn’t been with this sheer amount of hatred laced in.

“Would you have even paused…” L’s eyes locked with his, like scorching tar that burned through his brain. “After you murdered me, _Kira?_ ”

The young man stepped back in shock, unable to stop his eyes from widening. What the hell was the detective thinking?! Why would he accuse him yet again? L must have known that doing so would cause the ire of the Taskforce, and he had no way of knowing _how_ he would die. None of this was making any sense, and Kira felt an odd weight in his stomach. Was it possible that the man knew who he _really_ was? The thought left as quickly as it came, because it was impossible. There was no way L could know that he was anything other than Light yagami. The only one who knew was resting comfortably out of the world’s sight, in the back of his mind. Kira’s face morphed into one of righteous fury with practiced ease.

“Ryuzaki! I’ve already been cleared, so stop this! I’m not Ki...” His voiced trailed off when he heard all too familiar laughter

The killer stumbled back at the sight of the familiar cheshire smile. He knew that cackling, those raspy gasps that he never would've imagined hearing here. Misa was supposed the have the death note, this wasn’t possible! How could have L gotten ahold of Ryuk’s notebook? Kira knew that the god of death wouldn’t have just handed it to his greatest obstacle, the killer was his most amusing entertainment. Ryuk would never throw that away, and Misa would never betray him. The teenager’s heart sunk, because L wouldn’t have kept the notebook to himself. There was no doubt that every member of the taskforce could see the shinigami. Kira snapped his head when he heard shuffling, and began to lightly shake.

 

_No…_

 

The taskforce was standing behind him, with stony expressions. His face turned bleach white, and his breaths became more rapid. This had been a trap! The self proclaimed god spun around to face the new threat, brown eyes clouded with panic. His gaze carefully took note of the pistols in their holsters, and his mind rapidly tried to find a way to fix this. Damnit, how had this happened?! Kira knew there was no way that the taskforce, or even L could know that Misa had the death note. The only way that realization would come, was if the detective had tested the fake rules. It was a meticulous and detailed plan that the killer had carefully constructed for months. He knew that it couldn’t have been a flaw with _him_ , something or someone had interfered. But what could have caused his identity to be revealed?!

Aizawa stepped towards Kira, causing him to recoil instinctively. “Look Light, you’ve already proven that you can see Ryuk. How much more evidence is needed?”

No, he could not lose after being so close to winning! The killer still had his ace in the hole: Light. The brunette had known the task force sense he was just a little child, so he had the personal connection to sway them. Plus, there was his father. The man’s opinion could be enough to sway the entire team, then they could overpower L and Kira could snatch the deathnote from the detective’s hands. He already knew most of their names, so that meant he could already take care of most of them.

“D-Dad!” The killer said, trying his best to replicate Light. “Please, I’m your son! I would never kill anyone!”

Soichiro looked visibly anguished. “Light, please… Just surrender, it will be easier on all of us.”

Damn, it looked like the emotional gambit wasn’t going to work. It was foolish, but Kira couldn’t help but let the feeling of betrayal sliver into his chest. He supposed it was only natural, his father had been Light’s biggest role model. He shouldn’t have been surprised that some of those parts of the teenager had spilled into the killer. He silently seethed at the thought that the brunette held Soichiro in nearly as high regard as Kira. Honestly, what _had_ the chief ever done for Light? _Nothing_. The teen had flourished so much with the god’s guidance, together they had been purifying the world. Could anyone else have accomplished so much, could anyone else do what needed to be done?

 _No_. All Light’s father wanted was to drag his son down, to subject him to a dull monotone life. Despite this, the brunette dreamed of doing all he could in those circumstances. To become the director of the NPA, and surpass Soichiro. Now the man had done the ultimate betrayal, he was assisting in his capture and evident execution. A coil of fear wrapped its way into Kira’s chest at the prospect. The concept of death was one that the killer knew well, he had stared into the eyes of those he had judged as the life drained out of them. But the the self proclaimed god always considered himself untouchable, he never even thought about the possibility of his demise. Kira’s heart began to beat rapidly, thudding in his ears.

“Light… why?” Matsuda croaked, falling to his knees.

Mogi reached out to grab his wrist; he jerked back when he saw the handcuffs in the other hand. “No! Stop it!”

The teen shoved the man’s arm away, scrambling from the threat. His body slammed against the wall, and he trembled violently. His breaths came in deep breaths, and his eyes were widened, glazed over in fear. The taskforce circled around Kira, With L staring at him with a indiscernible expression on his face. The killer was completely cornered, and there was no way to protect himself. He had hidden the scrape under his skin, his final defence was out of his reach. Kira hadn’t been able to get another from Misa, there simply wasn’t enough time. That, and having the death note out in the open would be extremely dangerous. Well, that percussion hadn’t done him any good now.

“It was a very clever plan, Light.” L said. “It would have worked flawlessly, had we not been aware of your intentions.”

The killer let his breath slip through his lips. “How…?”

Rem stepped out, her eyes filled with a cold hatred. “Me.”

The cold realization felt like a pit in his stomach. There were countless dangers and threats that Kira had accounted for, dozens of things he had planned around. Never though, had the killer even considered that the shinigami would betray him. It had seemed impossible to even consider, Rem loved Misa far too much. The god of death had even admitted that she would die for her, if need be. So why would she sell him out to L, didn’t she know that meant the second Kira would be executed as well?! There had been no indication at all that Rem’s affection for the stupid girl had lessened at any degree.

“How did you get your hands on it, and why? You do realize that by revealing me, you are killing Misa too.” The killer demanded.

“You may have forgotten this, Light Yagami.” The shinigami replied in a cold tone. “But Misa holds you in the highest regard, and that can also be a weapon against you. I simply told her that you needed the death note, and she was more than willing to hand it to me.”

 _Stupid girl!_ Kira seethed.   

L opened the death note, revealing the rows of names. “This is clearly your handwriting, and that was enough to nearly entirely prove your guilt. You seeing the shinigami Ryuk, was the ‘final nail in the coffin’, so to speak.”

His _handwriting_. The killer had never even bothered to get rid of the pages with names written on them, because never had there been a risk of someone going into the forest and digging up the notebook. Damnit, Rem had made everything fall apart! The god of death still hadn’t completely answered his question, however.

“Why, Rem?” Kira asked, not bothering to hide his anger. “Why betray me?”

The shinigami retorted with a hiss. “Do you think I’m an idiot? Did you think I wouldn’t realize that you were planning to kill Misa?”

“We and the shinigami have reached an agreement.” L added. “Misa Amane’s life will be exchanged for yours. She will be placed under house arrest until we destroy the notebooks, and she will be put under surveillance until further notice.”

“So one Kira will walk free, but I will die in an execution chamber? How is that fair? How is that justice?” The killer’s voice came out in a slight croak.

“Believe me, we aren’t any more happy with this than you are.” The detective said. “However, if we refused to cooperate, the shinigami would have gone with her original plan.”

Kira looked down, eyes narrowed in thought. There had to be a way out of this! He was a god! Gods were never defeated, they always had something to ensure their victory. There was something that the killer could take advantage of, he just needed to find it. Perhaps he could use Rem’s love for Misa against her? Yes, maybe that could work. People almost always had at least one person that they could never harm. They always had the one friend, family member, or lover that they held above everyone else. Maybe, if he phrased it skillfully enough….

The killer stared straight into the shinigami’s eyes. “But what about Misa’s happiness?”

“What?” She replied, taken slightly aback.

“You and I both know that I am the only one who brings Misa any sort of joy.” He said, voice low, almost inviting. “How can you take that away from her, don’t you love her? Don’t you want her to be happy?”

“I…”

“You can still do the right thing, Rem. Just write all of their names down, and Misa can keep doing what makes her happy. I can keep her safe.”

The god of death was taken off guard, and her golden eyes glanced away. The taskforce was looking at Kira with horrified expressions on their faces, and a small part of him revealed in their fear. Soichiro looked betrayed, he gazed at the killer like who he was looking at wasn’t even his son. He supposed in a way, the man was right. Kira could see how deep his words had cut into Rem, the albino was completely still. Her expression was blank, and the killer hoped that she would go along with his plan. They were both the only one’s who knew just how psychotic Misa could be, just how frightening the young model could act. No matter how much the girl manipulated Rem, the god of death would not stop loving her. No matter if that love ultimately led to her demise.

The shinigami’s face contorted with anger. “Never, Light yagami. No matter how much you sugar coat your words, it won't distract me from the truth. Being Kira never helped Misa, it was a obsession for her to cling to. I see that now. Killing only made her instability worse, no matter how much she denied it. Because of your lies, your manipulations… Misa was _never_ happy with you.”

Golden eyes softened with regret. “Giving her the death note was the worst mistake I ever made, and I will work with every fiber of my being to repay it. So if she hates me until her memories of me and the death note pass, then so be it.”

Kira looked at the scene before him in disbelief. Everything had been going so well, there had been no cracks in his plan, no flaws. That is, not until the stupid girl and her pet shinigami had barged into his life. If it wasn’t for _them_ , L would have been dead by now. If Rem hadn’t been so _damn_ meddling, Misa could have been out of his way long before she became a problem. The killer’s fist tightened, and his lips pursed. What right did the god of death did to interfere with him? He knew that she must have been like all the rest of the shinigami, worthless, rotting away wasting away their potential. How could they even dare to call themselves gods?

“So…” Kira turned his head away from them, and his shoulders hunched. “That’s it then.”

He looked at the detectives from the corner of his eye, all of their faces were somber. Even L seemed to have a heaviness weighing down on him, but if the detective noticed, he didn’t show it. The killer felt disgust flood his system at the sight. Those men prided themselves on being fighters for justice, people who punished the guilty and protected the innocent. Nothing could have been farther from the truth, could it? Kira marveled at how these people could be so _stupid_. How could they ever understand? None of them, not even L, was like him. They didn’t understand what lengths had to be taken, like Light had.

The young man wanted to laugh at the thought. The taskforce could only see the bright eyed boy that had practically grown up in the NPA, they couldn’t see the intelligence that by far exceeded their own. The brunette had always seen how corrupt the world was, and it had always been something that sat in the back of his mind. He had resigned himself to being a detective, because it was the most efficient method he had. After finding the death note however, a new door had been opened. Light had been so confused at first, and had been so lost and terrified. He soon realized the role he had to play, and did not waste the opportunity. With Kira’s help, they would create a new world, together.  

Kira’s mind sparked at the thought of his twin. Light was his ace in the hole, that was a fact that hadn’t changed. The killer had almost forgotten about the teen, he was just so quiet now. He closed his eyes, trying to clear his mind. Kira could find a way out of this, he just needed to find the solution. Once Ryuk realized that he had really lost, the shinigami wouldn’t hesitate to write his name down. Now the task force wasn’t the only threat he was facing, the shinigami could kill him at any second. Even so, the killer found a bit of humor in how much faith they all had in Light, none of them had wanted to believe what he was capable of.

Kira’s eyes widened in realization, as the plan suddenly flooded his mind. Light was his most valuable asset, that was something that would always remain true. The history that the teen had with the police was a deep one, they knew him before he could even talk. In that respect, it was clear that the taskforce didn’t _want_ to believe that Light was Kira. All of them could barely accept that the brunette was capable of murder, so why not make it so he _wasn’t_ capable? Yes, it was perfect!

They all knew so little about the death note, even the shinigami didn’t know much about their weapons. That would be one of his greatest advantages, and he had to exploit that as much as he could. Kira really wished it hadn’t come to this, but at this rate there was no other option. The death note’s would be destroyed in the process, and his judgements would be severely halted until further notice. But it was the only way Light would remain alive, and the only way the killer could possibly find another way. A crimson eye stared down the men through the fringe of his hair.

“So, you will execute me and then destroy the death notes?” Kira asked, a amused breath escaping his lips. “Let me give you a piece of advice; _you really don’t want to do that._ ”

L’s eyes narrowed. “Are you referring to the fake rules? You are a fool if you think any of us will fall for that.”

He had to sell the scene in a very specific manner. The taskforce was already looking at him with confused expressions, he couldn’t afford to mess this up. This was a life or death situation.

“Oh! I nearly forgot that you didn’t know!” He said, mirth clear in his voice.

“What do you mean?” the detective asked in suspicion.

To them, Light would just be an innocent wide eyed boy who could do no wrong. The humour in the whole situation caused small chuckles to escape his lips. The killer hated doing this with every fiber of his being. He was god, not some insane lunatic! He forced laughter out, deranged cackling filling the room. Kira’s body shook from his gasping breaths, and he made himself look as unhinged as possible. The killer’s body twisted unnaturally, as he threw his head back. It wasn’t difficult in the slightest, perhaps it was because all that they didn’t know really was just so _funny._

The task force looked absolutely terrified, even L seemed put off by the insane laughter that filled the room. They were all frozen in their spots, eyes wide as they stared at him. Kira took note of Matsuda’s pathetic place on the floor, and cackled even louder. How broken up the men were about this really was hilarious! Kira would make sure to remember those expressions, when all of this was over. Then, he could see if they had those same faces when they died. Yes, even though these death notes would be destroyed in the process, it wasn’t over. He needed to find Misa, and find her fast. The killer was certain Rem would still be watching over the model like a hawk, and through the her, he could contact Ryuk.

His breath hitched, putting a sudden end to the laughter. “I don’t think i’ve ever had a chance to properly introduce myself.”

“Greetings,” His red eyes bore into them, a wide and insane smile on his face.

 

“ _I am Kira._ ”

 

“‘A chance to introduce yourself’? This is nothing more than a confession, don’t be _silly_ Light-” L replied, before being cut off.

“You are the one being uncharastically _stupid_ right now, _L_ . All of you say that you have won, but that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Do you understand now? I’m not Light, I am what you are holding in your hands. _I am the death note!_ ”

Aizawa managed to speak up. “H-how is that even _possible?_ ”

“Ryuk, you really should have been more careful when tricking the shinigami king. You didn’t even realize that it wasn’t previously owned by a shinigami, did you?” The killer lied. “You see Aizawa, when a shinigami is created, they aren't automatically born with the will to kill. The death note is much more than just a weapon. When a god of death first writes a name, the instinct to claim lives is permanently transferred into them.”

Ryuk began to cackle madly, his head thrown back in a fit of laughter. Kira’s smile widened a bit at the sight, it felt almost nostalgic in a way. It was the same laughter that flooded his ears when he had tricked Naomi Misora. No doubt it was because the shinigami was incredibly amused by the fabrications that left his mouth. Kira wanted to rejoice, because it was _working_. Even Rem seemed stunned, too ignorant about the origins of the death note to deny his claims. Although the destruction of the death note’s was an enormous loss, it meant that Light would keep his life. The teen would lose ownership, and as a result Ryuk would no longer be bound to kill him.

Kira gave a malevolent smirk. “That’s _me_ . When Light wrote that first name in the death note, not thinking it was real; I possessed him. His mind was actually quite easy to take over, I suppose that’s a big difference between shinigami and humans. It was quite amusing to corrupt his sense of justice, those first few days he just wouldn’t stop _screaming_.”

 _Of course, you never tried to stop me did you Light? But they don't need to know that._ The killer murmured to his twin.

“You _monster._ ” Matsuda whispered.

Yes! Everything was going exactly as planned. The taskforce’s feelings of anger and betrayal had shifted from Light, to him. He took note of how relieved Soichiro looked, and fought the urge to sneer. The chief of police looked oh so _happy_ that his precious golden son hadn’t dared surpass him. All of them were so stupid, they sat on their thrones praising themselves of how much good they were doing. The detectives were so arrogant in the fact that they ‘were so much better’ than the criminals they caught. The foolish pacifism they held had only brought pain, and they didn’t even see it. How many criminals were let free because of ‘a lack of evidence’? Far, far too many.

L had a blank expression on his face, as always. But Kira could see the hidden frustration in those grey eyes, and it pleased him to no end.

 _You can tell I’m lying, can’t you L? But you can’t convince the taskforce of this without bringing suspicion on yourself. You can’t do anything._ He thought.

Aizawa looked at L with an uncertain expression on his face. “What do we do? We can’t go on with the execution knowing that Light had been… possessed. We should burn the death note’s, right?”

“Destroy the death note’s, kill me! I don’t really care anymore.” Kira said. “I’ve already won, don’t you see? I’ve _killed_ Light, if you get rid of me there will be _nothing_ there! But go on, execute an innocent boy who wanted nothing to do with this, I dare you.”

“W-We have no choice, we have to destroy them.” Soichiro croaked.

L let out a breath. “No, we don’t. Kira cannot be executed if Light truly was an… _innocent_.”

Watari wordlessly handed the detective a lighter, as well as the other death note. The killer’s smile widened, his plan had worked! Victory was even even more sweet now, because L knew full well that he hadn’t spoken a word of truth. Yet he couldn’t do anything to stop his impending failure. Kira didn’t know where he would be taken after this, perhaps some asylum somewhere. However, that wouldn’t be too difficult to escape from. That is, if the detective didn’t keep a careful eye on him.

“So this is your choice then? Very well, L. It doesn't even matter anyway.” The killer’s eyes locked directly with his. “ _You couldn’t save him, even if you tried._ ”

Something seemed to flash in L’s eyes, but it was gone before he could discern what it was. Those pale fingers lighted the lighter, and the flame grazed against the death notes. The paper was quickly engulfed in fire, and the detective dropped them on the stone floor. Kira wobbled, and to his shock it wasn’t an act. The killer tried desperately to get his bearings, but control of Light’s body was flying further and further away from him. What was going on?! Destroying the death note's wasn't supposed to affect his ability to control their body! His grip was yanked away, and his vessel fell.

 

Handcuffs secured themselves around Light’s wrists as he hit the floor.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, Kira should win a academy award for his ability to lie out of his god-complex ass
> 
> Thank you guys so much for the support and patience! It really means so much to me that you like my story! 
> 
> Check out my tumblr to see what I get up to in between updates, as well as some behind the scenes stuff! 
> 
> http://nocturneproductions.tumblr.com
> 
> ~NP


	4. Blank walls, blank floors, blank stares.

 

“Mr _._ Yagami, are you sure you want to do this?”

The man lowered his head. “Yes.”

“But this would mean that you give up custody of Light,” L said, his voice stiff. “Are you truly willing to do that?”

The chief’s eyes looked up at him, still tinged with red. Papers were sprawled out on the desk, the pen was still trembling in Soichiro’s hand.

His voice was hoarse. “Yes, I have to. I’ve already failed him as a father.”

 

o0o

 

Light had never been like other people. The eight year old knew how they acted very well, and he always knew how to respond. That was on a emotional level though, on an intellectual basis things got cloudy. It wasn’t as if he didn’t love or care about people, because he did. But no matter how much he loved playing with Sayu, he could never connect with her on a cognitive level. It simply wasn’t possible, her young mind couldn’t comprehend it. It wasn’t _just_ his sister though, it seemed everyone he met was just so _stupid._

Light’s peers never understood a word he was saying, and adults always thought he was too young to know what he was talking about. It was so frustrating, but the young brunette pushed on. He had however, found a small way to escape the monotonous boredom. He had started sorting people into colors. It was strange at first, yes. Light was soon amazed though, of how easy it made things. Although he would never find true companionship with them, at the very least this would allow him to find small amusements in their company. The young boy knew that because of the lack of similarities, he would never really be able to connect with people. Becoming true friends with someone you had nothing in common with was impossible, there was simply no way around it. However, with his new system of placing people into groups he knew exactly how to act around them.

His mom was green, which was probably to be expected. Greens were always nurturing, which was probably why they tended to be parents. Although, his dad was orange. Light held a respect for those people, because most police officers and detectives he had met were in that category. They were always so confident and brave! Some oranges he met though, were insufferable. They could be so lazy, and it nearly drove him crazy. Yellow was the most common, people in that category were always bright and cheerful, but tended to be a bit brash. Sayu of course, was in this group. Although they tended to be everywhere, Light fond them rather endearing in a way.

Purple’s on the other hand, the brunette couldn’t stand. They always had this air of superiority around them, and were the most authoritative. They tended to hold a position of power over people, whether it be they were wealthy or a CEO of a company. He wouldn't have minded them too much, if they were like their counterparts. All of the other colors had one thing in common, and that was that they all adored him. Purples however, turned their noses up at him. Apparently to them it didn’t matter how smart he was, he was always regarded as beneath them. Yeah, he really hated those people.

Light himself, was a brilliant shade of red. Passionate, energetic, vibrant, that was him. The thought made the young boy glow with self pride. He had never seen another person who was red, and really was it any surprise? It just proved just how _special_ he was. The people that surrounded him, constantly reminded him of this. Light loved them because of it, even though he could never connect with them intellectually. They always supplied the young genius with endless praise, and he couldn’t get enough of it. He always made sure to be more and more impressive, just to get those precious words. The very thought of anything he did going unnoticed made his chest constrict uncomfortably.

Light’s grip on the walkie talkie tightened. The boy behind the mirror hadn’t left, and for some reason he didn’t want him to go. He had grown as much as the brunette did, and had even evolved a bit for his needs. He imagined his twin’s hair and eyes had turned into a vibrant red, and his skin a marble white. A perfect representation of Light’s color, much to his silent glee. The brunette’s reflection always came when he needed him. He would murmur his frustrations that he never shared with anyone else, and sometimes he thought he could hear whispers back. Light shook his head, assuring himself that it was just his inner thoughts. It was stupid, he was a big boy now! He was too old for imaginary friends!

But…

People could be unpredictable, there was no telling when they may or may not leave. The boy in the mirror was always there. The brunette could never really say his true thoughts to the peers he surrounded himself with, all he could really do was flaunt his intelligence when he felt the effects of the praise he received fade away. It was stupid, so stupid! But Light could tell that the boy in the mirror understood , he always understood. His twin always silently listened to him, frowning in sympathy. He didn’t deny that his superior intelligence had separated him from other people, he just had never thought about it. Was he…

 

Lonely?

 

Light shook his head, trying to dispel those thoughts. He had never even considered it before, but now the thought weighed him down. The boy shook slightly, but tried to stop the tremors. He couldn’t be ‘lonely’! He would always have his twin, and he was constantly surrounded by other people. It was impossible for the brunette to feel alone, it was foolish for him to even consider it! The walkie talkie in Light’s hands gave a crackle, snapping him out of his thoughts. The eight year old held it closer to his face.

His father’s voice came out of it. “Alright officer, the suspect is in the next room. We have no choice but to move in.”

The boy’s heart thudded beneath his chest, his imagination wildly immersed in the game. The chief wasn’t home a lot, often too busy with work. When Soichiro was home though, Light couldn’t be happier. The man always made sure to shower his son with compliments, much to his delight. The brunette always made sure to remind his dad of his latest accomplishment, craving the approval. He loved when he played games like these with him, no doubt trying to encourage him to become a detective. Light couldn’t think of anything else to become, if he did then Soichiro would be disappointed.

“W-What?! That’s so dangerous!” The boy exclaimed, shaking his head in disbelief. “The suspect is armed!”

“Yes, but we have to. If we don’t approach, the suspect may take drastic measures and hurt himself. He only has a knife, he can’t do much against us.” The chief replied.

“B-But…"

_I’m scared._

His tone turned soft, almost like he could read his son’s mind. “Light… there will be times in your life that will be very scary. I might look untouchable to you, but even I get scared sometimes. But we have to keep going, because it’s our job to keep people safe.”

Light was paused from Soichiro’s words, and he hesitated. It was right, wasn’t it? How could he ever help anyone, if he was too scared to even try? If he didn’t do as his father said, he would be so disappointed in him. The boy’s heart clenched at the thought, the man had never been disappointed in him, never. It simply hadn’t been something that could ever happen, and the first time would not be now! So, even though deep inside he knew it was foolish and brash, a glimmer of determination entered his eyes.

“Alright, chief! I’m heading in, hold position!” Light said, puffing up his chest.

Fueled by Soichiro words, the brunette shot up. The eight-year-old burst the bedroom door open, storming into the room. The figure of his father filled his vision, and he beamed at him. The chief set down his respective walkie talkie on the bed, before going towards his son. Light looked up in anticipation at Soichiro, whose aged face was filled with pride. The boy braced himself in excitement, this was the best part! He squealed when the man’s hands took hold of him, giggling uncontrollably as he was spun around. Light’s feet hit the floor with a thud, and he gave out a laugh when Soichiro ruffled his hair.

The chief smiled. “You did it Light! I’m so proud of you.”

“Because I’m your special boy!” That craving for approval coiled in his chest, making him falter. “Right?”

His father gave a laugh. “Of course! In fact, you’re quite the young man now, aren't you?”

Light’s smile widened, and he took Soichiro by the hand. The need for assurance was sated, for now. No doubt there would be much more where that came from, when he became a detective. After all, what would make the chief happier than becoming just like him? The eight year old might never meet someone who would match him intellectually, but that was fine. He would always have their words, those approving tones. As long as he still had those reassurances and reminders of how special he was, ready to drive away the sinking feeling in his chest…

He was content.

 

o0o

 

Light was strapped down.

 

That was the first thing that registered in the haze, and he blearily opened his eyes. The teen immediately regretted it, flinching slightly at the bright light above. He tried to move his hands to cover his face, out of instinct. Of course, his movements were stopped by the painfully tight leather that trapped him. It caused him to still, and his mind reeled in realization. Light was in control, how had that _happened?_ Focusing on the thought caused the dull, constant throb in his head to worsen to unbearable levels. The brunette quickly let it go, clenching his eyes shut. This wasn’t right, this wasn’t supposed to happen! How…?

The presence of Kira made itself known in the back of his mind. _Light._

He wanted to go towards his twin’s voice, but the restraints held him tightly. This was wrong, _wrong wrong wrong!_ He wasn’t supposed to be in control again, because then the pain was only worse. Light didn’t like it, it was better when Kira had been the one running their body. When the teen had been half aware in the back of his mind, it didn’t hurt as much. The itch wasn’t so persistent, and impossible to ignore. He hated it, one of the few things he felt strongly about. It became more bearable when Kira had used the death note, he had been more and more blissfully numb with each written name.

 _You must be so confused._ Kira murmured.

Light was, but he didn’t focus on it. Doing so would only cause the constant ache to become even more painful. The teenager heard footsteps, but didn’t care enough to look at who it was. The face of a male nurse entered his vision, looking down at him with a frown. He didn’t know what this new person was planning, but it didn’t matter. He just wanted all of this to be over soon. The nurse was speaking, saying things that made no difference in the end. The man said his name, seeming to expect an answer. How long would it be until he went away? Light wanted the gnawing pain to stop.

The nurse approached with a syringe, and the brunette tensed up subconsciously. It was impossible for him to concentrate, everything seemed to be in a haze. Yet he still held that primal sense of _danger._ Light struggled against the restraints in vain, trying to get as far away as possible from the needle. The man walk holding down his arm in a painful grip, saying things so loudly that it hurt his ears. The brunette wriggled desperately as the medical syringe pierced his skin, going into his vein. The pressure of the sedative entering his bloodstream was all he could think about, and there was nothing he could do as his muscles involuntarily relaxed. Light’s head felt like it was being split open, and everything hurt. Everything always hurt.

 

o0o

 

He stared blankly at the men in front of him. A physiatrist was saying things to him, words that held no meaning. Light’s arm ached now, too. The brunette tried his best to not think about it too much, thinking only hurt. Orderlies were standing guard next to him, but he didn’t care enough to wonder why. The physiatrist just wouldn’t stop talking, and Light grit his teeth. He turned over, facing the blank white wall. His movements were sluggish, limbs held down by the anti psychotics.

The teenager was forcefully flipped over to look back at the physiatrist, by strong hands. The orderlies were muttering things, with a noticeably gruff tone. He didn’t like this at all, he hated this! Everything felt so heavy, and doing things were so much more difficult. The added concentration that he needed to do anything, caused the constant throb in his head to become even worse. So Light stayed still, he didn’t really care where he was anyway. Even if he did, the nurses were holding him down. He couldn’t move with those hands holding him down, in a vice grip.

The annoying buzz of the psychiatrist's voice persisted. “Light, we just want to make you better.”

‘Better’? The word drifted through Light’s mind, but he didn’t process it. It’s not like he could, anyway. When the brunette tried to hold on to the thought, the ache to become almost unbearable. No doubt becoming ‘better’ would need a lot of concentrating, something he simply wasn’t willing to do. Not thinking about anything was better, then it didn’t hurt as much. How could they make him ‘better’? Were they hoping to drug him up, and say those useless words that he wasn’t even listening to, until he did… _something?_ No, he didn’t want to be ‘better’. Didn’t they understand?

 

This was simply the way things were.

 

o0o

 

Light let out a small grunt as his body haphazardly hit the floor. The door was shut before he could even lift his head, and he grit his teeth. At the very least, the room was padded. It wasn’t the first time the brunette had been in ‘the Cooler’, perhaps it wouldn’t be the last. He thought it was… the third? Trying to remember only hurt, so he discarded the train of thought. He had been sent here because of 'misbehavior', which seemed to be his lack of willingness to do anything. Light didn’t really care about the angry shouts, and painful grips as they dragged him out of his room. Or the scowls as they forced him to go to his psychiatrist's office, hauling him the entire time.

They wanted him to do things, speak to them, and line up for the medicine that made him feel terrible. Of course, the brunette did none of those things. Concentrating only brought pain, and if there was one thing he hated; it was the sedations. They only held him down, and doing anything was so much more painful. Light didn’t go anywhere, because there was no need to. The brunette was waiting for Kira to tell him what to do, but his twin had been rather quiet these last few days. After he had first woke up, his reflection hadn’t said nearly anything afterwords. Light knew that wouldn’t be without reason, Kira was planning something.

 

_Light._

 

The teenager perked up at the sound of his double’s voice. He shifted towards him, his movements stunted by the sedatives. The Cooler, or the more formal name ‘solitary confinement’ was a very small room. In fact, it wasn’t just small. It was almost too cramped to be called a ‘room’, a more appropriate name would be ‘padded closet’. The Cooler was not tall enough to stand up straight, and just barely large enough to lay down on the floor. There wasn’t anything in it, of course. Just a wash basin, and a toilet. Light hadn't had to use it yet, and a part of him preferred it stayed that way. He found the Cooler unpleasant enough already.  

Either way, it didn’t matter where he was. It wasn’t like he had anywhere to go.

 _Light,_ Kira said softly, warm, inviting. _greetings._

His twin’s fingers curled themselves in his hair, and he tried to shift even closer. There was an inch that had been culminating the past week, deep, deep inside Light’s head. It was something that the brunette _had_ to obey, something that refused to be ignored. It was like nails were clawing at his brain, scratching angrily at him. He couldn’t do anything to relieve it, trapped in this place. When Kira had been in control, the painful ache was still there. It was always there. Yet the searing throb that told him that he needed to _purify,_ had been more and more sated with each judgment. Light buried his head against Kira’s stomach, not thinking about the important things was easier.

The killer hummed, apparently still deep in thought. _It must have been hard, without me guiding you. I was theorizing, and planning for the future._

The brunette wasn’t really listening, he didn’t unless his twin was ordering something. However, there was something soothing about Kira’s voice. He would know what to do, how to make the terrible ache in his head go away.

 _When I lost control, I was surprised too._ Crimson eyes gazed down at Light. _I think the Death note's destruction simply shocked you so much, that control was temporarily taken from me. Don't worry, I can still run the body at any time_ _. Now, I know you don't like being the one in control of the body, but you're going to have to be for awhile. We don't want to give them any clues of my existence and put a damper on our plans, they need to think it's just you._

The teenager didn’t process those words, focusing on what they truly meant would only cause the angry pulsating migraine to become even more painful. His twins fingers suddenly tightened, clenching his brown hair in a painfully tight grip.

_But that doesn’t change anything._

Light could hear the threat laced in Kira’s voice, but didn’t tense up. All he knew was that he needed his double back in control, then he wouldn’t have to feel pain anymore. The brunette could feel the fingers grip loosen, relaxing once more to let his locks curl around them lazily. A marble white hand gently lifted his chin, forcing him to stare into those red eyes.

 _Listen to me very carefully_. Kira said. _We need to escape from here, and we need to find Misa. She won't have her memories, but Rem will still be watching over her. Through Rem, we will be able to find Ryuk. Do you understand?_

Light nodded, seeming to satisfy his twin. The killer stopped holding the brunette’s head up, letting it fall back down. He gripped onto his clothes, never wanting to let go.

 _Good boy._ Kira purred. _Once we get another death note, I will be in control again. Then we can continue purifying the world, you and I. Wouldn't that be nice?_

That would be nice. Then he wouldn’t have to think about the painful things anymore. The thought that Purification could soon resume, eased him a bit. Light didn’t know why he was doing it, not anymore anyway. The brunette had tried to remember sometimes, like when Kira had gotten rid of the agent. There had been a strange feeling in his chest, so he tried to grasp it. Tried to remember the reason for his judgments, and it hurt. The agonizing pain that shot through his skull, was unlike anything he had ever experienced.

The pain he got from trying to remember, was worse than when he had tried thinking about anything else. So he simply didn't anymore, it was easier that way. Purifying the world was simply something he _had_ to do, even if he didn’t quite know why. Thinking was painful, killing was not. Light let himself relax more against Kira, letting out a breath. His twin was the one who thought about the important things, and who until now had been the one to take action. The brunette didn’t like that he was the one who had to do things now, but it was okay. Kira would still be making the decisions.

 

Kira always knew what to do.

 

o0o

 

Light shuffled down the hall, slowing taking dragging steps. He was always accompanied by two orderlies now, much to his silent frustration. His arms always ached now, mixed with a stinging from the sedations they force-injected him with when he refused to swallow the pills. His back had started to throb too, most likely from when the orderlies had slammed him against the wall when he was struggling. Light didn’t care much about that pain though, if it didn’t stop him from completing his goal he didn’t care.

The teen had tried to escape multiple times, however each attempt was thwarted. He had tried just walking out the ward, to trying to force a window open and crawling out. Every time, he was angrily dragged back by staff, and thrown into the Cooler. He had been let out of it a few minutes before, greeted with threats of returning if he misbehaved. Now, he wasn’t sure how he had any chance of leaving. How get he escape if he was constantly being watched? The thought aggravated Light for some reason.

 _It’s okay, we will get out of here._ Kira assured him. _We are in a high-security ward right now, just lay low. Eventually, we will be transferred to a different ward. Be patient._

The brunette was eased a bit at his double’s words. He finally reached the main area of the ward, where other patients were talking amongst themselves. A TV was playing what seemed to be a movie, but most of the people were too drugged up to watch it. Some other people were at the smoking area, chatting about things he didn’t care about. Their voices grated at Light, like they were a persistent buzz in the background. The brunette curled up on a random chair, resting his head on one of the arms.

A grumble emerged from his stomach, and he grimaced. After the orderlies had let him out of solitary confinement, they had immediately injected his ‘medicine’ into his arm. So, at the very least it meant lunch would be soon. In the Cooler, he had been fed rice gruel. Light could vaguely remember his mother making it for him when he was sick, something about it being easily digestible. Remembering hurt, as always. However, it also made him feel weird, like remembering what he was supposed to feel without actually feeling it. Well, It didn’t matter. It only deterred him from accomplishing their goal.

Light didn’t care about taste, not anymore anyway. However, the food from the cafeteria was much more filling. In the Cooler, he was usually too sedated to eat. The slight gnaw of hunger was with the teen very often. It was much easier to ignore though, compared to the constant ache in his head that only seemed to be getting worse. A harsh, raspy laugh suddenly flooded his ears. Light’s eyes glanced at the source of the noise, out of instinct. He would have looked away, but what he saw caused his eyes to lock on what he was looking at.

It was a new patient, or at least, someone who had just been transferred to this ward. The man's hair was messy, almost like a mop on his pale sickly skin. Yellow teeth stuck out beneath his smiling lips, and some of them were missing. They were clear signs of a drug addict, but that wasn’t what made him pause. The Patient was covered in tattoos, a signature sign of a Yakuza. A _criminal._ Light’s fingers twitched, itching to grab a pen. The overwhelming urge to _write_ , could not be sated, of course. The brunette tugged slightly at the bandage still on his hand; the migraine was becoming unbearable with the presence of the gangster.

 _You want to kill him._ Kira said.

It wasn’t a question; it was a blunt statement. Perhaps in a way, it was true. He didn’t really _want_ anything though, it was more of need. The itch was angrily grating at him now, nearly screaming, demanding he take action. But what could Light _do?_ The brunette couldn’t let any criminals escape Kira’s judgment, but his weapon was gone. With the Yakuza member here, the horrible ache would not be going away anytime soon. A bit of anticipation filled him. The sedations they had injected him with when they threw him in the Cooler were wearing off…

 _Well, I suppose it would make more sense for you to have a ‘breakdown’ and then ‘recover’ from there…_ Kira mused. _It’s not like anything will change from this anyway. What’s say, a week, in solitary confinement to you? Nothing. In fact, why don’t you? Don’t you want the pain to stop, even for a moment?_

 

_Just do it._

 

It was as if a spring had been released. Light flew off the chair, lunging towards the criminal. He paid no attention to the yelling from the people around him, nor the surprised shout of the tattooed man. The brunette’s hands wrapped around the gangster’s neck, and they both crashed painfully to the floor. Whatever drugs they had given him made him drowsy, but he didn’t care. He tightened his grip, digging his fingernails into the Yakuza’s flesh. The man was desperately trying to pry Light’s hands off, silently and desperately gasping for air. Already the pain was fading, if he could just _squeeze the life out of him-_

Orderlies violently yanked the teen off the criminal, hands clinging to him in a painful grip. He struggled desperately against their hold, desperately trying to strangle the man’s neck once again. The Yakuza was scrambling away, coughing with large gasps and swearing profusely. No, no, _no!_ He needed to die, it was the only way he could make the pain more bearable! But the staff didn’t seemed to understand this, only dragging Light further and further from the criminal. The other patients voices and laughter cut into the thrashing teen.

 

“Looks like Light’s off the the Cooler again!”

 

“Man, the kid’s crazy!”

 

“They’re going to lock him up for a month for this!”

 

One of the Orderlies shouted. “Hold him _down!”_

Their grips tightened even more, and they violently shoved him to the ground. His body collided harshly with the hard vinyl, and a whine of pain involuntarily escaped from his lips. One arm was pinned against his back, while another orderly pinned his other hand to the ground in a bruising grip. Light felt another hand pulling up his sleeve, and he jerked as violently away as he could, in vain. A syringe entered the brunette's vision, and he wriggled frantically, trying desperately to escape. It was no use, the hands that held him down were unrelenting. The needle slid into his vein, sending a shock of pain up his arm. 

Why did it hurt so much? His arm felt like it was being split in two from how much it stung, sending constant throbs. His chest heaved, breaths heavy and noticeably shakier. Light reached out to Kira in pained desperation, subconsciously begging for release. His twins soothing presence made itself known in the back of his mind, and the brunette could feel a comforting pair of lips kiss his forehead. His muscles involuntarily relaxed, and he went limp. He must have imagined it, but he could swear that he heard Kira softly chuckling in amusment. The orderlies grips did not loosen, as they lifted him from the floor. Light’s vision started to go black, and he could feel them drag him to a destination he knew all too well.

 

_It hurts, it hurts, it hurts…_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Light is going through a rough ride. :( I wonder what made him like this...?
> 
> Thank you guys so much for the comments, it really mean alot! And, due to popular demand, Of narcolepsy and insomnia is next! In the meantime, try to guess what mental illnesses Light has! Winner gets a virtual cookie (and a shout out)!  
> Here's your hints: 
> 
> 1:There's two conditions Light has, one is a subset, one is a combination of two from the same "Group"  
> 2:One of them is prevalent in the flashback.
> 
> Good luck!
> 
> ~NP


	5. Consequences

L rubbed his eyes, a sign of fatigue he hadn’t shown in a long time. He clenched his knees tighter, and his pale knuckles turned almost completely white. The detective looked at the plates stacked on the table in front of him, and a small sigh escaped from his lips. He had been eating an alarming amount of sweets recently, much more than normal. L had been scarfing them down with an almost feral desperation, eating too fast to even register their taste. He could tell Watari was worried, and the man couldn’t blame him. It was becoming increasingly apparent that he was completely falling apart at the seams, no matter how much he tried to distract himself with his beloved sugar. The newfound stress continued to engulf him, nearly eating him alive.

 

Two weeks.

 

That’s how long it had been since L had admitted Light to the asylum. The detective should have moved on by now, but for some reason he just couldn’t. It should have been like it had been with Beyond, where he could just lock him up and forget about it. No matter how much he tried to, he couldn’t get the brunette out of his mind. This was so ridiculous, why should he care? Light was Kira, nothing but a murderer who wouldn’t have hesitated to kill L. If anything, the detective had been lenient! His eyes drifted to the side, and trailed to the birthday card he still for some reason hadn’t thrown away. He had tried to toss it in the trash, but couldn’t bring himself to do it.

Because no matter how much L tried to forget, Light was his friend.

The man took the card, looking down at it with a frown. It almost seemed to be mocking him, Light’s playful yet neat handwriting burned into his eyes. He knew that the words that left the killer’s mouth were nothing more than a fabrication, he could hear the arrogant mirth in that voice. The killer had stolen L’s victory from him, and there was nothing the detective could do. All L could do was watch as the task force ate up the garbage that left the killer’s mouth, and he wanted to scream in frustration. ‘Kira’ had said that he was a spirit from the notebook, who had possessed Light from the start. The murderer had been telling the men exactly what they wanted to hear, but L knew better.

The young genius was stubborn, possibly even more than he was. He wouldn’t have just _given up_ like that, if he really didn’t agree with Kira’s form of ‘justice’. That wasn’t the Light that L knew. The story had to be fabricated, because the killer clearly knew that he wasn’t going to die. Why would one such as Kira, suddenly decide that he no longer cared about purging the world of crime? Even if he didn’t, why would he make sure to keep _Light_ alive? It was the only the explanation. Still, a part of him wanted it to be like it was before, to see those bright caramel eyes again. Yet, it seemed like that was the one thing Kira hadn’t lied about. Light had fainted when the detective had destroyed the death note, and when he had woken up…

_Happy birthday!_

The brunette had just stared off in the distance, his eyes dulled. There had been no life or shine in them, it was like he was looking at the eyes of a corpse. Somehow, Kira had taken a measure to ensure his memories weren't lost. So L had detained him, and didn’t look back. Of course, it wasn’t so Light could get better, was it? The detective shook slightly, hugging his knees tighter. In truth, he was angry at Kira. Angry that the self-proclaimed god had stolen his victory from his grasp, after being so far in the game. He had been so enraged because the murderer was mocking him with it, he might as well been laughing in his face.

_I’m sure we can catch Kira, you’re the world’s top three greatest detectives after all!_

It was nothing but a petty revenge. L _knew_ that if Kira was alive that Light had to still be in there somewhere, but he didn’t care. The detective _knew_ that Japanese mental hospitals were less than satisfactory, in fact, most would call them horrible. The chances of ever reaching a full recovery were only a few in a hundred, and most patients stayed in them for years. There was an extremely low chance that they would know how to deal with Light, only about three percent. He _knew it_ , he knew it and put him there anyway. L left his first friend in the asylum to _rot,_ simply because his pride had been wounded.

_So don’t let this case get you, I worry about you sometimes._

He was filled with a deep shame he had never felt before. His hunch seemed to deepen, and he curled in on himself. Soichiro had put his _trust_ in him, to take _care_ of his son. That was a trust L had broken, without so much as a second glance. How could the detective ever make it up to the chief, much less to _Light?_ The teen was his friend, how could he just _leave_ him there? He needed to fix this somehow, or he would never be able to be at peace. He wasn’t quite ready to say that he would take him himself, he didn’t even know how Light would react to him. Perhaps L could visit, and then transfer him to an English or American psychiatric hospital? That seemed like a good course of action, they would be much better suited to handle Light.

“Watari,” The detective called, gaining the attention of his butler. “Arrange for a flight to Japan.”

_Don’t lose motivation, okay?_

 

o0o

 

“What?”

 

“Light Yagami is not available for visitation at the moment, I’m sorry sir.” The receptionist repeated those damning words, looking more nervous.

L stared at the woman in disbelief, still struggling to process what she had said. This was wrong, how could Light not be available for visitation? Receiving visitors was highly beneficial to patients, whether it be a normal hospital or in an asylum like this. He would have thought that the staff would make sure that visitation would be as easy as possible, especially under these circumstances. The mental health stigma in Japan was still very prevalent, very few visited what were once friends and family. They were too ashamed of them, to even look at them ever again.

It was very unlikely that Soichiro or Sachiko visited Light, L hadn’t even bothered to tell them where he would be sending their son. The sound of her sobs still rang in the detective’s ears, the weight of them still felt heavy his shoulders. The woman had even outright refused to sign over guardianship, and it took her husband over four hours to convince her otherwise. Thankfully, the process itself had been relatively quick and simple; yet another benefit of being L. It was the same sort of privilege he used to detain him here in the first place, much to his hidden shame.   
  
Usually, getting into a Japanese asylum was a long and tiring process. Admitting someone against their will, was near impossible. However, when the Japanese government got word that the world's greatest detective _L_ of all people had personally requested that Light be detained; they were more than happy to make arrangements. That was why an odd anger began to fill him; he was the teenager’s guardian! He had every right to see his charge, what would prevent him from having visitation, anyway? The detective was the one who admitted him in the first place, so it was his responsibility to oversee Light’s well being!

 _Not that you made good use of it before._ A part of L’s mind said.

He tried his best to ignore it, and instead glared at the receptionist. “It’s visiting hour, why can’t I see him? I am his guardian!”

“I-I don’t know the exact details…” The woman looked at him, noticeably more nervous. “B-but you can see Yagami’s physiatrist, if you’d like.”

The detective was never fond of mental hospitals, he had to admit. Even before Beyond had put a stigma of them into his mind, he always held a disdain for them. Perhaps it was the thought of anyone controlling him that L hated. He had always been the one making the decisions, that was something even Watari couldn’t compete with. The thought of submitting to anyone’s will aggravated him to no end. However, they served their purpose. He supposed that was all that really mattered. A part of L wondered how Light would react to being here, if he was his usual self. The young genius used to be such a prideful person, being here must have been one of the most degrading things he had lived through.

“Yes.” The man replied, managing to muster up a fake smile. “I would like that.”

 

o0o

 

Light’s physiatrist gave a tired sigh. “I understand your concern. However an incident occurred, and solitary confinement was the best course of action we had available to us.”

L looked critically at the man, who sat in front of him with his hands nervously clasped together. His heart was thudding in his chest, racing from an unexpected burst of anger. The detective forced himself to keep it down, lest he snap at ‘Hiru’ as the psychiatrist's name tag stated. L knew Japanese asylums were not at all conservative with their use of Solitary, he just hadn’t cared. Yet when he was forced to face it, it was different. He couldn’t ignore it now, as much as he wanted to. L couldn’t get rid of the haunting reminder of when he was the one who locked Light in the cell, bound and humiliated.

“An ‘incident’? What happened?” He asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

Hiru frowned, looking away for a moment. “Yagami-san lashed out unexpectedly, and tried to strangle a fellow patient yesterday.”

L’s eyes widened, before lowering to the floor. “...I see.”

He tried to process the information that was given to him, but it felt almost surreal. Light, the careful and meticulous planner, had attacked someone? Not only that, he had tried to _murder_ them. How far had his friend fallen? What happened to the determined and bright-eyed boy, that he once knew? Even more, what was ‘Kira’? It was obvious that he was lying about being a spirit, so then was it just Light lying? No, no that didn’t add up either. It didn’t explain the drastic personality changes, and L didn’t care how good an actor someone was, you could fake those eyes. Those lifeless pits that stared into him, so deep that they seemed to cut into his very soul.

”Have you come up with a diagnosis?” The detective suddenly asked, eyes now focused directly at the psychologist in front of him.

“This is definitely a case of Depersonalization Disorder, the worst case I've ever seen,” Hiru said, leaning back tiredly. “Yagami-san has yet to talk or even listen to us, it’s like we’re not even there…You said that this was a rather sudden change?”

“Yes, Light underwent something… rather traumatic. After that, he was unresponsive.” L replied, successfully masking the pain in his voice.

The man looked contemplative. “That is the main cause of the disorder. But... it’s strange.” This got the detective’s attention, who was now leaning forward, chewing on his thumb. “It is a disorder that a patient can have by itself. But with symptoms this extreme, you would expect it to be paired with another disorder. Usually, this would be something along the lines of Schizophrenia, or another dissociative disorder, such as DID. However, we have found no signs of this.”

Just like that, everything _clicked._ ‘Dissociative identity disorder’, the words echoed in his mind. Everything made sense now! Light’s personality change that had shaken him so deeply, was just that. So was Kira really an ‘alter’, as they were called? That seemed to be the best explanation, but it also created many problems. It meant that Kira truly was part of the same brain as Light, and it confirmed his fears that there was no way he was dead. L couldn’t blame the physiatrist for not knowing, Kira was more than likely keeping himself hidden. Getting the Death Note’s destroyed was nothing more than a last-minute gambit, a precaution to ensure that he and his host would live on.

The thought was deeply troubling, the detective knew just what the killer was capable of. However, a flicker of hope wormed it’s way inside and refused to let go. If Kira was still here and alive, then the same must be true for Light. Even though the brunette was nothing but a shell of his former self, he must still be in there somewhere. His friend could still be saved, but not here. A realization slammed into him, nearly sending him reeling. Would _any_ asylum be able to treat Light? Kira was still there, and was probably making plans this very moment. The killer was incredibly intelligent and cunning, it was a miracle that he hadn’t escaped already. Even if they could, Kira was far too dangerous to be left alone.

Furthermore, Depersonalization and Dissociative Identity Disorder couldn’t be treated with medication. They could only be treated with talk and family therapy, and there was none of that in Japanese mental hospitals. Even in English or American asylums, which did provide it, the chances of Light recovering in them looked bleak. After all, how could you talk to someone who couldn’t _listen?_ However, There was a good chance that Light would respond to the presence of L. The teenager was still in there somewhere, he just had to be drawn out.

There had to be part of him that remembered the detective as a friend, in that numbed daze. He had no idea just how deep Kira had his claws in Light’s psyche, but there was no doubt that it would be something very difficult to remove. But, if L did bring the brunette with him, Kira would not take any action. He wouldn’t dare. The detective bit his thumbnail in agitation, clenching his knees tighter. This would be a huge responsibility that he would be placing upon his shoulders,  and he would have to stall doing cases for who knows how long. Would he be willing to do it?

L couldn’t stand boredom, his mind always had to be stimulated in some way. With the cases gone, that would become a very real problem. At the very least though, the road to Light’s recovery was bound to be interesting. It was going to be bumpy, and Kira’s influence was going to make it even more difficult. No matter how stressful it got for the detective though, he would push forward. For once, he would be the one keeping the other from giving up, just as his friend once did for him. Because L knew that seeing Light’s smile again, would make it all worth it.

“Hiru-san, I would like to discharge Light.” The detective said.

The psychologist's eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets. “A-Are you out of your _mind?!_ Yagami-san is in no condition to be without treatment!”

“I assure you, that is not my intention.” The lie flowed out of his mouth easily. “I merely wish to admit him to English mental hospital instead.”

He folded his arms. “Absolutely not! I can’t just discharge him for no reason, nor can you!”

L was aware of the laws Japan had surrounding mental health. For one, unlike asylums in countries like America or Britain, once you were admitted you couldn’t be discharged until your psychiatrist gave the stamp of approval. That could prove to be a problem here, unless Hiru complied. If he didn’t, then the detective was more than willing to use force to get Light out of there. Hopefully, it wouldn’t come to that.

“Has Light made the slightest amount of improvement, Hiru-san?” L asked simply.

The psychologist's eyes darted around nervously. “W-Well no, but-”

“It is your duty as a psychologist to ensure that your patients heal, and Light’s treatment requires therapy and communication.” He looked him directly in the eye. “You of all people should know, that this mental hospital doesn’t provide that.”

“I-I’ve never liked that things are run like this. But I’m not one of the higher-ups or part of the government, so there was just nothing I could do.” Hiru admitted.

“I’m not asking you to not worry, it’s good that you do. But I need you to think outside of what _you_ can do, I’m asking you to do the right thing.”

L hoped that it would be enough to convince him, the man did appear to genuinely care. While breaking Light out of there would be faster, it could also cause him a significant amount of distress. The detective didn’t know just how the brunette would react to seeing him again, especially if he showed up out of nowhere and rushed him out. Hiru hesitated, glancing at him and the floor in deep thought. He clasped his hands together, and pressed them to his face. Then, the psychiatrist gave a silent sigh, and his shoulders hunched.

 

o0o

 

Light didn’t know how long he had been in here. He had drifted in and out of consciousness, and when he was awake he was so groggy that he might as well been asleep anyway. The floor was padded, but he had been laying in the same position so long that his side was starting to become sore. The brunette tried to shift his body, but it was no use. The sedations they gave him, rendered his muscles practically useless. Light could only blankly look across the empty cell, waiting. He shut his eyes hoping for the sweet release of sleep to envelope him again, and for the pain to fade away.

His head throbbed, a pulsating headache right behind his eyes. He scrunched them in a pained wince, wishing he could find a distraction. He tried to think of when he had nearly strangled the criminal, when the pulsating ache had faded for a few sweet moments. When Light was fulfilling his purpose, it all just ebbed away into a blissful numbness. Then, he wasn’t faced with things that deterred him from his goal, things that forced him to _think_ and _hurt_. He sighed through his nose, he hoped they could leave soon. Once Kira was the one controlling the body again, then everything would be better.

The sound of the steel cell door unlocking echoed throughout the empty room, breaking the silence. It nearly rang in Light’s ears, but he didn’t acknowledge it. The Orderlies checked on him a few times every day, this was nothing new. Then, it gently creaked open. The footsteps that entered the room, was _not_ the familiar clacking of their shoes. Light cracked open his eyes blearily, trying to make sense of the new variable. Of course, he couldn't see much because he was too sedated to move his head. Yet he didn't see the group of shoes of the Orderlies, instead he saw a familiar pair of sneakers. They were partially covered by the cuffs, of a pair of baggy jeans that he recognized all too well.

 

_What…?_

 

That was all Kira was able to say, and his voice was in a state of astonishment that Light had never heard from him before. It was so unlike him, that it caught him a bit off-guard. He wasn’t sure how to react to this, but it didn’t matter. Even if he wanted to, speaking was all but impossible. A part of him wondered if he was in a dream, because there was no way that _he_ was here. The throbbing itch in his head was getting unbearable, and all Light wanted to do was scratch it out. The brunette grimaced, once again shutting his eyes. He just wanted the pain to stop.

His voice was soft. “Light-kun…”

Warm and tender murmurs followed, but he didn’t focus on putting the words together. It wasn’t like it mattered. Light felt gentle hands wrap around him, and carefully lift him off the floor. The brunette didn’t bother even trying to fight him off, he knew it wouldn’t work. He was being carried bridal style, and his face fell against what he knew was a white shirt. Odd, he had never noticed how cold he had been until now. The new warmth encased him like a blanket, it was… nice. Light willed himself to fade away, to just sleep for now and forget. A thumb rubbed comforting circles into his back, and he felt consciousness leave him.

He wished everything would be over soon.

 

o0o

 

L flipped through the paperwork with a frown. His private jet was already in the air, and as a result Watari would be stuck in the cockpit until they landed in England. It would take approximately twelve hours until they landed, so he would have a lot of time on his hands. At least Light’s physiatrist bothered to give him the documents for his prescriptions, at the very least. What he was seeing though, wasn’t comforting. His charcoal eyes widened the more he read, just what were they giving him?!

Not only were the antipsychotics only fit for the equivalent of an extreme Schizophrenic, Light shouldn’t have needed any in the first place! That, and the sedations they had used were harsh, to say the least. L sighed in frustration, the broken system probably only made the brunette’s condition worse. It was obvious that the detective would need to get him off that medication, but the withdrawal symptoms would not be pretty. He winced in sympathy at the thought, it would most likely take a couple weeks for them to finally wean off. The most he could do was gradually lower the dosage so it was more tolerable, that is, if Light let him.

It was almost surreal to think about it, that seemingly perfect Light Yagami had a mental disorder. But the warning signs had always been there, hadn’t they? The personality change was only the tip of the iceberg. It was strange that the teen had suffered seemingly no mental damage from the effects of the fifty-day confinement, even if L had done his best to avoid the possible side-effects by talking with him as much as possible through the speaker system.

Now, little strange occurrences that didn’t seem to matter at the time jumped out in front of him. The memory of the time’s Light would stare off into the distance, glared mockingly at the detective. Daydreaming in of itself was perfectly normal, but the brunette had repeatedly done so for over half an hour. L could remember his eyes in those times, they were the same damn lifeless eyes he saw now. He should have known, he should have noticed that something was wrong! But he didn’t, because he was too busy trying to prove that Light was Kira to care.

L let out a tired sigh, burying his face in his hands. “Oh, Light. What am I going to do with you?”

The detective turned his head to look at the boy in question, who was currently fast asleep. He was so heavily sedated, that it would take a few days for them to finally wear off. When he _was_ awake, he probably wouldn’t be moving much. So L did his best, to make the long trip as comfortable for Light as possible. His private jet didn’t have a bed, considering he hardly slept. So he had to make due with a couch, practically smothering the brunette with pillows. He was covered by a large comforter, his chest’s subtle rise and fall being the only movement he made.

L stood up, going over to him. He had seen something disturbing when he had retrieved Light from solitary confinement, but he didn’t have the time to fully examine it until now. That moment was still so vivid to the detective, as if it would be ingrained permanently into his mind. Opening that steel door, and seeing Light crumpled on the floor, as if he was a broken doll. L shook himself out of that memory, and absentmindedly grabbed a black shirt Watari had provided. The detective forced himself to sit normally, after all, this wouldn’t require his full deductive reasoning skills.

He gently lifted up one of Light’s hands and winced, it was worse than he had thought. He had seen the bruises on his wrists, in the asylum. Yet he hadn’t had the opportunity to truly _look_ at them, and a part of him wished it had stayed that way. They were in the unmistakable shape of a hand, like someone had violently grabbed them. What was on the brunette’s arm, made L’s eyes scrunch in distress. Needle marks, so many needle marks. They were still red, clustered on Light’s skin. The detective wondered how many times Light was pinned on the floor, unable to fight back. He shook himself out of it, because he couldn't think of that now. He _couldn’t_.

If he focused on what he went through in the asylum, he would lose his composure. That also wasn’t including what damage Kira could be doing to the teen, behind the scenes. He hummed in contemplation, what could have the killer done to preserve his memories? L’s charcoal eyes caught sight of the scar that ran across Light’s left palm, pink and only recently healed. He frowned in suspicion, running a pale finger against it. The detective blinked in slight surprise, when he saw the brunette was awake. His dulled brown eyes were half-lidded, but undeniably open.

“Oh, I’m sorry Light.” L said softly. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

He probably hadn’t had water in over a day at the very least, or food for that matter. He was still too sedated to eat, but the detective could solve one of those problems. He stood up, going to the mini fridge that was nestled next to a chair. He grabbed a bottle, and sat back down. L carefully lifted Light up, leaning him against his chest. The man was put off by just how light he was now, and how his clothes nearly hung off of him. He would investigate that later, for now, the brunette would have some much-needed water. L unscrewed the cap, and gently supported his head.

“I know you don’t feel well, but I want you to try to have at least a couple sips, okay?” He murmured.

The detective knew he wasn’t going to get an answer, Light wasn’t capable of talking right now, even if he wanted to. But, communication was going to be a key factor in the teen’s recovery. Besides, it was soothing in a way, as silly as it may be. L hoped it would also put him at ease, if somewhere in there he was listening. The man pressed the bottle against Light’s lips, tilting it only slightly. The sedatives should have worn off enough for him to swallow, but he didn’t want to take any chances.

A small stream emerged, and he tilted the bottle back up before it could become too much for the teen. L let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding, when he swallowed. He was clearly drinking as much as he could, with the unconscious desperation that only a few days of unquenched thirst could bring. Yet he was just too sedated to do so, only able to manage a small amount of water at a time. He found it rather sad in a way, and there was a hint of solemness in the air. They simply sat together, as he slowly drank.

When a little over a fourth of the water was gone, L took the bottle away. He didn’t want Light to have _too_ much. The withdrawal symptoms he would receive from the antipsychotics and sedatives would be _very_ unpleasant, and the most prevalent would be nausea. A large amount of water could upset the brunette’s stomach, and it wouldn’t do to have him drink so much, only to have him throw it back up. He put the cap back on, and set the water bottle down on a table. L was going to let the teen be and return to sleep, but there was still one thing he needed to do.

“You did very good, Light.” The detective absentmindedly rubbed circles into one of his shoulders. “You probably don't want to stay in those, huh?”

If there was one thing he knew about Light, it was that he cared deeply about his appearance. He could remember all the times he would have to wait for him, to finally be done getting ready in the morning. In the asylum, he wouldn’t have had this liberty. The patients were required to wear an outfit. It was simple, just a white shirt and sweatpants. And if the patient wished it, they could also wear slippers or socks. It was something Light would normally not be caught dead in, but things had changed so much sense then. L hoped that this would bring him some sort of comfort, even if it was subconscious.

The detective got the shirt from where he had dropped it on the table, and put it on his lap. He shifted Light so he was slightly away, making sure he was steady. L grasped the hem of his shirt, but hesitated. The brunette was skinnier than the man had remembered, noticeably more scrawny. He had his fears of what would lie beneath the t-shirt, but he hoped to god that he was wrong.  He sucked in a breath and lifted it up, bracing for the worst. Nothing could prepare him for what he saw, and L stared in horror. He couldn’t speak, and only one thought could echo inside his skull.

_What did they do to you…?_

Light’s back was littered with bruises, so many bruises. His normally clear skin, was blotched by their harsh color of black and blue. The detective’s hands began to shake, fingers struggling to keep hold of the shirt. He felt sick, the more he looked at it. Bruises like that didn’t happen on _accident_ , people didn’t _fall_ on their _back_ . What kind of coward abused a _patient_ , someone who was so sedated that he couldn’t hope to fight back? L should have been there. He wouldn’t have let this happen! He would’ve...

Yet the reality refused to change, burning itself into his eyes. The detective’s shoulder hunched, and he completely pulled the shirt off. Light’s chest and stomach had received the same treatment, it nearly physically hurt to see. He didn’t know exactly how long the abuse lasted, of course he wouldn’t. Because he _wasn’t_ there. L couldn’t have given a damn what happened to him, and his apathy had caused so much damage. He couldn’t bring himself to look away, as his eyes soaked in the true consequences of his actions.

He didn’t know what to say, what _could_ he say? L changed Light’s shirt quietly, and apart from the gentle hum of the plane, it was almost completely silent. There was no distraction from it, and it grated at him as he laid him back down. His hand was still rested on the brunette’s shoulder, which was probably the only thing keeping him from losing his composer completely. His fingers could feel Light’s body rise and fall with each breath, as they slowly evened out. Eventually, L brought himself to speak. He didn’t know if his friend was awake to hear it, but a part of him needed to hear it from himself.

His voice, a silent confirmation, broke the silence. “I’ll do better this time.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Light's main disorder was pretty obvious, haha. Congrats to Wolvenclaw on getting it right! I'm happy you guys like the story, it means so much to me when you comment!

**Author's Note:**

> Kira is going to be one creepy mother fucker. Hope you like it so far, things will be getting more interesting in the next chapter.


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